The first non-contact football game in NFL history was played yesterday at Giant Stadium between the NY Giants and the Chicago Bears. The event was the culmination of years of controversy and debate among politicians, physicians, and do-gooders seeking to maintain the spirit of football while minimizing permanent physical damage to its players.
At the pre-game press conference, Football Commissioner, Hyman Catchengrabber reiterated, "This is the dawn of a new day in professional football. We are leaving the Dark Ages of gladiators, pugilists, and brain damage and entering into a new dawn of professional sports where the emphasis will be on skill, not mayhem.
"In just a few minutes you, ladies and gentlemen of the press, will be enjoying a game devoid of bone-crunching tackles and brain-jarring blocking, but one still full of skill, safety, and fun."
Fifteen minutes later, the opening kickoff was witnessed by 85,000. Sixty minutes later, the final score in the first non-contact football game was 13,900-13,876 in front of a somnolent audience of a few hundred.
Said one diehard staggering out to the parking lot, "There's more violence in Swan Lake......Who won?"