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Tuesday, 21 December 2010

image for Ravens' Donte Stallworth Deactivated For Propensity To Commit Homicide, Foot Injury.
Feliz navidad, Abuelo.

For the first time since returning from a broken foot seven weeks ago, wide receiver Donte' Stallworth was among the Ravens' gameday inactives for yesterday's game against the Saints.

Donte' Stallworth is a convicted killer...

...and he only served 24 days of his ridiculous 30-day sentence. And I'm supposed to feel bad because Payton scratched him? F--k Donte' Stallworth, IMHO.

Some in the press box questioned whether Stallworth's deactivation was due to him possibly drunkenly killing someone during the game, and/or re-aggravating his foot injury. One reporter said that he might have seen the veteran receiver limping in the Ravens' locker room late in the week.

As of press time, Stallworth has only killed one person, 59-year-old constuction worker Mario Reyes, in March,2009. Reyes spent the last seconds of his life smushed into the grill of a 2005 Bentley Continental GT drunkenly driven by Stallworth.

Stallworth pled guilty to second-degree manslaughter, and received a sentence of 30 days in jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, 8 years probation, and a partridge in a pear tree.

"I don't know why I was scratched," said Stallworth. "I'm healthier now than I've been since before I started racking up a body count. It was a coach's decision."

Stallworth has seen limited playing time since returning from his foot injury mid-way through the season. The speedy eight-year convicted killert has been on the field mostly as the Ravens' fourth wide receiver, and has posted two catches for 82 yards and added four carries for 30 yards this season.

For his part, Stallworth declined to comment on why he was given the day off.

"I am so mad, I could drive my luxury car into a man waiting for a bus and kill him," Stallworth said. "It's not fair."

"You know what's not fair," asked Saints head coach Sean Payton. "That Mario Reyes' grandchildren have to attach his Christmas stocking to a f--king headstone."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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