Apparently, no one told Tiger Woods not to bring his irons, his woods, and his pitching wedge to the 5th annual Hollywood Celebrity Golf Tournament and Tanning Contest. He didn't need his tees, his caddy, or even a golf cart. When Tiger's agent signed him up for this tournament, he apparently didn't know that all he needed was his putter; this tournament is for miniature golf.
Tiger shot a 36 hole 185 (par was 118) to finish well back in the pack. He had to take the maximum six strokes on just over the majority of the holes. "There was this stupid giant windmill on the course," Tiger said angrily. "How am I supposed to see the hole when there is a windmill in the way! They don't have windmills at Augusta! They don't have windmills at Pinehurst! There are no windmills on the LPGA or even in the amateurs! I called Jack and Arnold last night and they told me that there are no windmills on the Senior Tour!"
Tiger also had a problem with the castle, the elephant, the giraffe, the fire engine, the bridge, and anything that was not a straight shot. "Where did all of the ceramic animals come from? It looked like some front yard from the suburbs out there? You never see flamingos on a golf course! The only weird think I didn't see were the stupid lawn gnomes!"
When told that all of these things were hazards attempting to make the game more interesting, Tiger responded that "sandtraps are hazards. Trees are a hazard. Lakes are a hazard. Having to putt the ball through the front door of Abe Lincoln's cabin and having it roll out of the drain pipe in the back is not a hazard, it's an annoyance!"
Tiger also had a problem with the very philosophy of miniature golf. "I'm supposed to bank the ball off of bricks in corners? This is golf, it isn't pool! The only banking I do is when I take my prize money check and deposit it after I win another major! And what about that green felt? I play golf on grass. We have fairways, greens, and roughs. We don't have Astroturf or felt!"
"And what is it with all of the little ups and downs? You have rolling hills in golf. Your ball shouldn't get two feet from the cup and then roll back because the cup is on top of a little ant hill looking pedestal!"
Tournament winner Roseanne (formerly Roseanne Barr, formerly Roseanne Arnold) grabbed her crotch and spit when told of Tiger's woes. "I don't know what his problem is. I guess he doesn't like losing to a girl. Maybe he just needs to work on his short game. I could give him putting lessons if he wants."
When told of her suggestion, Woods laughed hysterically.
Other notables who finished ahead of Tiger included the Governator (who called Woods a girly man for his whining), Winona Rider (who kept sneaking off into the windmill, the castle, and the cabin with any available rock stars), Jason Alexander (who declared himself "Master of his domain" on the golf course), and David Copperfield (whose balls kept magically changing colors and rolling towards the holes on their own).
There was a scoring question on the card of actor Clint Eastwood. He stared at the person counting stokes and asked him "you're probably thinking, punk, was it five or was it six? Do you feel lucky?" The punk in question apparently felt lucky and posted a "five" for the hole. Other scoring questions involved the disqualification of Lindsay Lohan, who claimed that she got a 34 on the 36 hole tournament after seeing Hillary Duff's score of 35 (also disqualified).
Celebrities who actually finished behind Tiger were Paris Hilton (who kept asking everyone if she could play with their balls instead), Charles Barkley (who was disqualified and did not finish the tournament after attacking Barney the Dinosaur, playing in his group, for getting a hole in one on the windmill), Tom Cruise (who had to be diagnosed with and issued anti-depressants after failing to make par on any hole), Jerry Springer (who kept offering beads to the ladies in the gallery if they would come and flash themselves on his show), and Al Gore (who demanded that the scores be retabulated four times and blamed the Supreme Court and the Republican National Committee for his loss).
ESPN2 will show highlights, and lowlights, of the tournament on Thursday at 2:00 a.m.