Written by Karen Fish
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Topics: Nuns, Poker

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

image for Indicted Benedict Funds Embezzling Gambling Nun to enter WSOP Title

Talk about bad habits. Jesus Christ said, "In order to get into Heaven you must sell all of your possessions and give all of the proceeds to the poor." Pope Benedict's personal bank is now under investigation for money laundering. In September the Italian police seized $30 Million from Pope Benedict's personal bank account.

The Italian prosecutors say that the Vatican Bank's aim was to hide the ownership, origin and destination of the money. Twenty years ago Vatican banker Michele Sindona, a Mafia made man ran the Pope's foreign investments. While in prison he died when someone put poison into his coffee. This promoted Roberto Calvi who hid $1.3 billion in South America. Calvi was found hanging from Blackfriars Bridge with bricks and cash in his pockets. Both Sindona and Calvi were silenced. Who benefitted from their silence? The Vatican can engage in Crudades and a 300 year Inquisition but they can't silence two bankers?

It costs $10,000 to enter the annual World Series of Poker, 'WSOP'. Now Catholic Sister Marie Thornton of New Rochelle, New York has been charged with embezzling $1 Million from Catholic Iona College where she was the Vice President of finance over the last 10 years. When Catholic Iona College, where the tuition is $28,000 per year found out what was happening they never notified the police, the alumni or the school's donors. Iona College covered it up like a Catholic Priest engaged with a five year old altar boy, or a Pope who was a former member of the Hitler Youth.

Now it turns out that Pope Benedict was sending Sister Marie Thornton to Atlantic City casinos for 10 years to learn Texas Hold'Em. Sister Marie Thornton made a huge sensation when she made this year's final table and then held off poker legend Dave Ulliott for the title in heads up play. On the final hand Sister Marie Thornton cracked the Devilfish's pocket aces with a full house on the river. Said Sister Marie Thornton, "There was no way that I was going to let Satan beat me." Ladbrokes has set the odds at 3 to 1 that Sister Marie Thornton makes it to her trial. These are the people a billion Catholics are gambling will get them into Heaven.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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