Written by Morse
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Monday, 13 December 2010

image for Jet's Rex Ryan Says Cam Newton will Start Next Week at Pittsburg Steelers!
Sanchez Says He's Now Afraid to Bend Over to Take the Snap Due to Attacks of Vaginismus!

NY Jets fans today applauded coach Ryan's decision to bench Mark Sanchez and start newly acquired Heisman winner Cam Newton after Sunday's dismal performance at home against the inept Miami Dolphins.

Sanchez, looking dazed, confused, and terrified, wound up with a passer rating lower than
whale shit on the bottom of the ocean, which was further highlighted when two perfectly thrown passes, one in the end zone, were dropped by receivers still dazed from last weeks
beat down by the New England Patriots!

Newton, who announced he was signing with the Jets shortly after receiving the award Saturday night, later had his new agent, Kim Kardashian , explain his decision and the terms of the block buster contract.

Kim, looking demure in a form fitting lycra Adidas track suit which did not permit the wearing of any undergarments appeared excited to make the announcement, an observation noticed by most heterosexual reporters as they studied her protruding headlights and quite perky nips.

Said Kardashian, "the decision to sign with the Jets involved a lot of soul searching, considering the offer on the table from Auburn to return for his Senior year. The car was nice, and so was the apartment and the guaranteed signing bonus, but Rex made us an offer we couldn't refuse. By signing now with the Jets, Cam was assured he would start this week, and not have to wait till next September and have to deal with all the heat in Georgia
and some pending paternity suits!

Details of the contract are still hazy, but according to an official with the Jets, there is a substantial signing bonus which will enable Cam to go ahead with his construction plans to build a new home 500 square feet bigger than Tom Brady's in Brentwood, California, a 7 year, 7 figure salary, 98% of which is guaranteed, 10 Kosher Hot Dog stand franchises,
and a spokesman contract for Hebrew National Salami as well as the usual fees for t-shirts, jerseys, hats, and shoes. Kim will also have the right to sell her brand of jeans at the Stadium Outlets, which she whispered to Cam was "A F*****g Big Arsed Deal!"

Ryan said the decision to replace Sanchez was not easy. "The boy's been struggling."

"He's having trouble getting over reports that he's not a lady's man, his confidence was shattered by the Patriots last week, and there's some troubling immigration issues that have to be cleared up along with medical issues that have recently surfaced dealing with vaginismus that is really quite painful."

"Due to that phobia, he's reluctant to bend over to take the snap from center, but we can't run our offense strictly from the shotgun."

"Luckily, we're working on a trade to Minnesota which will be good both for Rick and the Vikings."

" Brett's career is over due to the arm injury and they need a quarterback to finish out their losing season, and Rick will have a chance to be mentored by one of the leagues best....maybe he'll finally get some tips on scoring from "the old Master!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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