Russian sports minister Gregori Bentazulike, the dentures and nylon suit billionaire, , today called an extraordinary press conference in Spudulikeograd at which he defended the awarding of the 2018 world cup to his homeland.
He said all Russia was delighted and to mark the occasion everybody would be given an extra potato next Tuesday. He emphatically denied that any of the FIFA officials were offered any incentives to vote the way they did, and said that the pre-vote arrival at their hotel rooms of big sacks of cash delivered by stunning women who could suck a tennis ball up a drainpipe was purely coincidental. Mr Rasputin explained that these monies were entirely the result of the officials innocently participating in the recently established (and even more recently closed down again) Russian Lottery.
When called upon to comment, the delegates, who are a well known and secretive cartel of dodgy foreigners, denied any allegations of undue influence and were driven laughing all the way to the local branch of the Banque de Laundry (N.Korea) in their shiny new Hummers making obscene gestures out the back window and flicking bogies at waiting press men.
Meanwhile, David Cameron explained the decision in his own inimitable style, saying "we always knew we couldn't rely on a straight contest, after all they're just a bunch of money grubbing power junkies, unlike me. Most of them don't understand English however loud one shouts and they all smell like camels". David Beckham gave a lengthier explanation but since he sounds like a stroke victim nobody bothered to report it.
Prince William was presented with a pair of bespoke cardboard shoes and a cabbage as a token of the regard and respect of the Russian people to which he is so clearly entitled.