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Saturday, 4 December 2010

image for FIFA To Judge Eurovision Song Contest
Jumping On The FIFA Bandwagon: Ulan Bator Yesterday

In a sensational move, which is sure to have seismic and seminal repercussions throughout the worlds of soccer and popular song, it has been announced from Bungenspiel Castle, the Bavarian Headquarters of the Eurovision Reichskommissariat, that the complex administration of the Eurovision Song Contest, including the organisation of the judging system, is to be handed over to World Football governing authority FIFA, writes Antonio 'You Can't Send Me Off' Rattin, Purity of Decision-Making Correspondent.

I spoke yesterday to an expert on complex decision-making processes, Professor Chic Anery, who is Head of Political and Economic Judgements of Convenience at The Cuckoo-Clock Institute, Zurich.

"You see", Professor Anery told me, "the Eurovision Song Contest, of which the winner is apparently being chosen by the various contesting nations on the basis of the perceived qualities of the songs themselves, is in fact a much more complex protocol.

"There are the various cliques and claques, which are set up and constantly maintained throughout the year, even when the contest is not happening.

"These cliques and claques, which are the grouping of the nations who want to help each other to win and to exchange trade and power, they are what determines the votings within the actual singing contest.

"Of late, there have been the nations like United Kingdom, who are the hated old colonial countries without the friends in today's eurozone. These it is who have been questioning the cliques and the claques.

"So it is that there is the need for a more subtle approach by the Eurovision Reichskommissariat. They have recognised the need for more skilled deceptions and hidden skullduggeries, so as to fool the slow-witted types of the UK who are naive in these matters."

According to Heinz Himmler, of the German political journal Das Mittelschumpfen und Drang, Eurovision Reichskommissariat Chief of Subterfuge, Monica Goebbels, is a long-standing intimate friend of Sapp Bladder, the President of FIFA.

"Fraulein Goebells was meeting Herr Bladder in the old Bierkellers of Munchen, where Herr Bladder in his youth was the magician called The Great Swindler", said Mr Himmler. "His speciality was the making the Englischer disappear, in which he would use an actor dressed as an Englishman who he would persuade to hand over the pounds sterling in return for a ride to the Moon in the Space Travelling Cabinet.

"It is not needed to say that once within the cabinet, Herr Bladder would issue the magic spell of 'Goodbye and good riddance, Englischer schweinhund', and would vanish the actor, to the applause thunderous throughout the great Bierkeller.

"It is not needed for me to fabricate to you the details of such illusions as swallowing the alpenhorn or the inserting the Swiss cheese in the rectum without hands. Only to say that Fraulein Goebbels was a young student in one audience, and she became an actor too in the actings. She would dress as the Swiss Goatherdess in the revealing costumes who Herr Bladder would saw in the two halves.

"Their paths became apart when Frau Goebbels joined the Eurovision Reichskommisariat, and Herr Bladder was recruited by FIFA, who were looking for an illusionist who could fool the audiences to think that he was doing something else entirely, and also could make their money do the vanishing.

"And now, their pathways, they are the same once again, and together they are seeking to create the great illusions as before, to mock the Englischer and make his hopes to disappear for the Eurovision Reichskommissariat, just as Herr Bladder has recently achieved in the World Cup Bidding show."

"Bladder slit us up a treat, when FIFA awarded the 2018 World Cup to Mongolia", claimed English FA spokesman Tommy 'Chopper' Atkins yesterday. "I mean, they told us it was a done deal. What are we going to do with all these cuckoo clocks and swiss cheeses and bars of triangular chocolate now? Have you ever been to Ulan Bator? It won't be long before FIFA are operating out of a yurt and drinking yak's butter tea, mark my words."

I spoke to a FIFA spokeskommissar, late yesterday. Hans Spiegel (for it was he) said that the British were perceived as "an enigma of contrarities" throughout Europe.

"You see, first they denigrate the competitions, whether this is the Eurovision Singing Contest, or the International Footballs. They think that these things are, how you say, 'underneath their dignities'. And so they make the embarrassing songs, and send out the atrocious and horrible football teams because they cannot be bothered.

"Then, when they lose, they blame everybody else, and they shout at the referees and the judgings of the other nations and Herr Bladder is castigated by this Terry Wobegon and the Gary Linklater and The Prince of Cornwall.

"But they are to blame in themselves."

Hans Spiegel revealed that the Eurovision Song Contest, like the World Cup, will be expanding under the control of Sapp Bladder and co. "Yes. Also the Song Contest will expand to more of the world. We have accepted China, and also Qatar, Saudi Arabia and India for the next contest of 2011. We feel that there is much to be gained by the relations with these emergent nations, and less with the old countries who won the world wars in the olden day when the singing was by your Vera Lynn and the George Formby with his teeth and dumpkopff sticks of Blackpool rock innuendo and silly ukulele playing. Also it was the Jolly Old Arsenal with the brylcreem and the Dixie Dean who would headbutt the muddied leather ball with the laces and knock the goalkeeper Fatty Foulke into the goals and the Englischers did not salute Herr Hitler.

"How will they prosper when they are not in Ulan Bator? They will have to go back to watching the Black & White Minstrel Show Presented by Arthur Askey and watching the old film of Sandie Shaw with the bare feet and Sir Cliff Michelmore with his 'Congratulations and Jubilations Because Virginia Wade Has Won The Wimbledon' and to be playing the football games against Wales, Scotland and the Isle of Man, which they might be able to win without the Russian linesman of Swinging 1966 to help them and Pickles The World Cup Dog to find the World Cup after they have lost it again."

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