Written by Mike Davies
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Saturday, 4 December 2010

MURDEROUS, semi-literate rage was building amongst English football fans last night as it emerged that the Football Association had played the film "Green Street" as part of their unsuccessful pitch to win the right to host the 2018 World Cup.

Details are sketchy at this point, but it is understood they changed tack and went for a controversial approach at the last minute, thinking that recent investigations by the British media showing the people who would be making the decision to be morally bankrupt might possibly have influenced them against England's bid.

The bid team was in an apologetic mood yesterday evening after going out in the first round of voting, but anger soon spread.

A recent Sunday Times investigation showing two members of the voting committee supposedly taking bribes was seized on by many as highlighting just some of the dangers of having a free and fair press.

"We now understand that when we were putting together a strong bid featuring excellent stadia and arguably the best domestic league in the world, what we should have been doing is restricting press freedom and building a big fuck-off mansion for Jack Warner somewhere in Barbados. The £2 million expense could've been written off on one Astroturf pitch in Djibouti.

"We honestly thought that our strong legacy of hooliganism, long balls up to Crouchy and going out of major tournaments on penalties would be enough to bring the World Cup home.Clearly, we were wrong, and for this we are truly sorry" said a confused and visibly disorientated Prince William, who went on to say "I just don't understand- Becks cried and everything. We even brought Gary Lineker along. What else could we have done?"

Sepp Blatter was forced to make a statement late defending FIFA's decision last night .

"Whilst I appreciate the unique heritage of English football fans gathering after a match to trash a pub or stand in rival groups just metres apart with two police officers in between them, shouting and throwing plastic chairs, the showing of Green Street as part of the bidding process was a grave tactical error.

"I simply couldn't believe that Frodo could have got so lost from the Shire that he would end up scrapping in East London.

"Had they shown something more believable, like anything involving Danny Dyer, then I think they would have made the second round of voting- and from there, who knows what could have happened?" he said, smiling facetiously the whole time.

"As to the allegations brought by the BBC about our voting system, I would like to state here that in no way are we a corrupt and morally bankrupt organisation, unfit to make such a large decision. That will be all."

In other news, Qatar is in celebratory mood after being named as the surprise choice to host the subsequent World Cup in 2022.

Journalists worldwide were sent scurrying for their atlases as they struggled to locate the tin-pot camel state of just 600,000 people, believed to be the hottest place to host the tournament since Tatooine.

The nation is now aiming for another unlikely coup: to construct a stadium so large as to allow their entire population to simultaneously witness their team of hired guns from the Brazilian lower leagues get battered in the group stages.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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