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Friday, 3 December 2010

image for UK to Pull out of FIFA over World Cup Fiasco: "Reds, Frogs, Quatar and Somali Pirates Can Go Play with Themselves" says Wills!
Quatar's Pitch Where They'll Host 2022 World Cup!

Shortly after it was announced that the next two World Cup sites had been awarded to Russia and Quatar (wtf), as an Act of God, a spokesman for The Disappointed Three Lions Negotiating Committee, said "quits" to the corrupt Federation Internationale de Football Association.

"We're picking up our balls and going home, " said a distraught Prince William, "we can't compete on the international soccer stage any longer as our natural resources are gone, we have no navy, no air force or army to threaten anyone, and let's face it, who wants to tuck english pounds under their mattress when there's millions in rubles and gallons of oil just available for the asking!"

Russia's Mafia Don, Vladmir Putin wasn't surprised with the announcement, as he had paid for the favourable decision months ago with a combination of some well distributed 'investment' funds, and a veiled invitation of a Russian cocktail party involving "Plutonium Martinis" for the 22 member FIFA voting council.

Political observers said Putin's vote purchase was a piece of cake, rivaled only by his corruption of Italy's Silvio Berlusconi for a few tins of caviar, some cheap imitation watches, and a bevy of busty Russian nymphomaniac life guards to serve at his personal pool parties.

Qatar, on the other hand was shocked, and the delegation was sent off in a panic to buy a few soccer balls from an internet sporting goods site so they 'could get a feel' of what they had gotten themselves into.

The smallish Islamic state, described as a barren, hot, humid dessert with a scattering of oil wells, refineries and a very favorable balance of trade, was a 'dark horse' in the voting, with odds on favorites either Australia or the US.

In a country where the men outnumber the women 3-1 soccer has become a large social event for the males in the country, and is said to have encouraged same sex marriages in order to maintain a 'balanced family structure' in the country.

Quatar exports $37B a year in oil & gas, while importing $6.7B of necessities like food, water, toilet paper, Aston Martins, Bentleys and Lamborghinis. The country is currently growing at 19% a year, and per capita income at $67k is the world's 5th highest.

Seasoned fanatical soccer fans are already saying they'll probably stay home and watch any matches on the Telly.

"Russia is alright if you want to visit and buy a wife," said Blackburn ruffian and fan club president "Nails" O'Brien, " but it's too fooking dangerous even for the likes of me at a soccer match. You pull a club, they've got knives. You pull a knife, they've got an AK-47. You bring your Webley, and they pull out a grenade launcher....those fans over there are just animals!"

Quatar shouldn't expect any tourists either said a fan from the Isle of Wight, recently released from a Dubai jail after being caught holding hands with a British Airways stewardess on a remote beach where they were both found strolling nude.

"Wouldn't catch me dead there, Mate," said the man, " it's ok for guys to hold hands, it's part of the culture, but pat your girl's fanny in public and they'll take your hand off at the wrist...very unchristian like, if you ask me!"

UK officials are mum when asked what's next for the future of English Soccer. They have denied reports that they are entertaining talks from the Colonies to form a new League across the pond to aid US efforts to make soccer profitable.

"Frankly, " said David Beckam, who's been in the US recently, " I don't think Stoke City is a good fit for Detroit. You'd either have to change the name to "Toke City" and pass out free joints, or offer a new Escalade and diamond stud earrings to the first 5,000 people through the turnstiles. I personally don't see much future innit!"

In other related football stories, the Liverpool Red Sox announced today they have hired John Terry to fill the role of 'designated hitter' to round out their starting 9 for the upcoming season.

And this just in, Cash Starved Leeds says they may be purchased by Qatar and have already been assured by Russian officials they are guaranteed to appear in the World Cup finals in 2018!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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