Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 3 December 2010

image for Wikileaks Reveal That England World Cup Bid Failed Because Wayne Rooney Is A Bad Example To Young Players
All his fault?

As the terrible news that England's 2018 World Cup bid had failed started to sink in this morning, the Wikileaks website announced that the reason behind the snub was that FIFA officials believe that Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney presents a poor example to young children.

Rooney has recently been involved in prostitutional shenanigans off the pitch, arguments and shows of extreme bad temper on it, and particularly devious and underhand antics in the Manchester United boardroom, where he managed to force Old Trafford executives to shell out £80million for his continued substandard services.

Apart from all this, say FIFA, he is pig ugly.

"Rooney is a bad example to children," claims a memo from a leading FIFA official from Russia.

"His affair with a prostitute was disgraceful," says another from Qatar, who added "He can't keep his cock in his trousers!"

"He's a right ugly bastard," claims Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, who, with those puffed-up red cheeks, is no pretty picture himself.

The English Football Association, after laying out millions of pounds in bribes, had fully expected to be allowed to stage the 2018 Finals, and the announcement that the barren wastelands of Russia will, instead, be host to the travelling hordes of English football hooligans, has not gone down well at Lancaster Gate.

One executive said:

"We thought we'd got our sums right, but the Russians obviously got theirs righter."

Wayne Rooney was unavailable for comment, but did grunt this short statement:

"Erm."

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