Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 18 November 2010

image for Manchester United Manager Sir Alex Ferguson To Carry On Until 100
Sir Alex at 140 (artist's impression)

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson gave the club a much-needed boost tonight, when he announced that he plans to remain at the helm 'at least' until he reaches the age of 100.

Ferguson, now 69, had earlier said that he was "too old to retire", a slightly muddled thing to say, if you don't mind me mentioning it. He also repeated his oft-declared wish to become the first United manager to win 50 Premier League titles. He currently has 11 under his belt. Said the Scot:

"Retirement is for young people. I'm too old to retire. I would have nothing to do. I have no garden. I could go to Bingo, I suppose."

But he had words of warning for his rivals in the Premier League. He growled:

"See, you Jimmy! Al fucken see you outside ya cunt. Al teer ya fucken heed frum ya fucken showlders. Yes, I'm pretty certain I can make it to 100, and probably beyond, as long as ma lovely wife, whatever her name is, can put up with ma wild mood swings."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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