Details of the French national teams infamous 'Code Of Conduct' have been revealed for the first time.
The code was introduced after the teams appalling display in South Africa at the World Cup this year. After the team fell apart, and discipline within the team left for France quicker than the team itself, officials back in gay Paris decided to form a code of conduct for it's players.
A real 'abide or leave' code.
Details of the code were kept under wraps, but a mole in the team has leaked some of the details to this reporter.
While certain elements are not that surprising, such as 'all team members must sing the national anthem', certain other elements are more difficult to understand.
One rule dictates that all team members must put their left shoe on first in the changing rooms. Anyone caught furnishing their right foot with comfy footwear before the left, will be kicked out.
Another rule dictates that any team member found sporting a stupid goatee beard, will be returned to the team barber in Paris with immediate effect, with a three match ban.
Players who talk any language other than French, at all times and regardless of who they are addressing, will be dropped from the team.
Players caught diving will be publicly executed on live TV upon the teams return to France. However, this rule is slightly misleading, because diving is actively encouraged in another rule, it's simply 'being caught' that is the problem.
Anyone found talking back to the manager in anything other than 'happy-go-lucky' tones, will be bitch-slapped by each member of the back-room staff, in a 'boarding-school' style display of humiliation, in front of their peers.
Players who fail to score a goal by the final whistle will be forced to hop like a frog to the changing rooms. This ruling caused quite a fuss, especially from certain players, such as the goalkeepers. Not known for their scoring prowess, the keepers were shocked to find that the rule still applied to them.
The ruling would not have been so harshly received in the England camp however, as our keepers are quite used to scoring, albeit in our own goals.
Other rules are set to hold up the beautiful game, such as all players must carry a baguette at all times, even during match play, or the one that states any player photographed on-duty without a beret, string of onions and/or garlic whilst pushing a bicycle will be removed from the pitch and given an eight match ban.
The code of conduct, whilst being a sound idea, seems to have been created by an idiot. This reporter feels there is no place for this type of bureaucracy in our game.
Higher wages, land and titles is the way to build good teams, not lily-livered rules and regulations. Ask Sir Geoff Hurst.