Disgraced home-run king Barry Bonds is reportedly planning a return to professional sports. He is not, however going to play baseball.
"Since MLB turned it's back on Barry, he has continued to work out." Explained Scott Boras, who will represent Bonds. "And since he hasn't had to worry about drug testing, he's been experimenting even more with extreme doses of steroids, human growth hormone, and other compounds and combinations.
As a result, he's turned into a monster. He's 290 pounds, and all muscle. His fits of rage are off the charts, I'm telling you, I won't go near him. I'll only conduct business with him by telephone. He can't play baseball anymore, but he'll make an all-pro linebacker in the NFL."
Sources say the Oakland Raiders are the most likely landing place for the baseball player turned linebacker. Others say that Michael Vick is lobbying for the Eagles to make an offer.
When asked how Bonds will be eligible for the NFL, who along with MLB also prohibit steroid use, Boras shrugged aside concerns. "It doesn't matter. Barry will stop taking the drugs, and his masking agents will allow him to pass the urinalysis...but he has so much built up in his system, he'll be good for at least a three for four year contract.
He calls it 'tackling fuel'. He'll be like a combination of 'The Water-boy' and 'The Incredible Hulk'. I'd hate to be a running back facing that!"