Written by Don Ford
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Topics: festival

Wednesday, 13 July 2005

The American League topped the National League 7-5 in the "midsummer classic" on Tuesday night capping off nearly a decade of futility for the National League. The AL All-Stars improved to 8-0-1 in the last nine games and secured home field advantage in the World Series for the second straight season.

Announcer Joe Buck proclaimed the contest "a complete beat down" after the AL scored the first seven runs of the game. The senior circuit did not even get on the board until Andrew Jones smacked a Kenny Rogers fastball like it was a camera man.

All Star MVP Miguel Tejada was not very humble in his acceptance of the MVP award. "We just went out there and kicked their ass" Tejada said through and interpreter. "They are our bitches; I don't think the National League will ever win another game as long as I am out here winning MVP's every year"

AL Manager Terry Francona was very satisfied with his team's play. Francona said the win was rewarding for two reasons- "I was happy to win and get home field advantage in the World Series again, but it was also very satisfying to run Marino Rivera out there at less than 100 percent, if he would have got injured that would have been wicked nice"

NL Manager Tony LaRussa questioned the games format and player selection. LaRussa appeared to be upset with fans selection of rag armed catcher Mike Piazza as a starter. "I know TGI Fridays waitresses with a better arm than Piazza". He then went on to criticize being forced to select a player from each team "This game decides home field for the world series and I am stuck with a Canadian with warning track power" Apparently referencing the Pittsburg Pirates Jason Bay. "And can someone tell me who the fuck Brian Fuentes is? …What? He pitches for the Rockies? You mean I have pitchers from the Rockies on my team and we are supposed to win? That's great."

The real winner in this game were the thugs of Detroit who turned in a record night of carjacking and pick pocketing. Maleke Johnson 32 of Detorit said that today was his best day of the year. "Yo Man, I just came up" said Johnson, a veteran street thug. "I got some phat wallets and broke into three cars. I gots me enough cash for some serious coke Yo!"

Bud Selig enjoyed the evening as well and was asked if he plans to make any additional changes to the midsummer classic. "I might consider giving the NL a handycap" said an introspective Selig. "I have already proven that I can do whatever I want with this game. I can make it decide home field advantage in the World Series, or I can make the game end in a tie. Maybe we'll just play the game in Milwaukee every year and run out the entire Brewers lineup against the AL. Yeah, that's it. We'll just rename it the American League beat down festival. Whatever makes George Steinbrenner happy is cool with me".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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