MIAMI, FL-Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder caused a stir in the sporting world on Sunday, during a locker-room rant about Ravens fullback Le'Ron McClain allegedly spitting in his face, in which he confused Anne Frank with Helen Keller, later admitting that he "[doesn't] know who the fuck Anne Frank is." Crowder took the opportunity Monday to reiterate his thoughts to the media on McClain.
"I just want to clarify a few things. I know I might have upset some people by confusing Anne Frank with Helen Keller; I apologize. I just wanted a way to frustrate my anger at Le'Ron McClain-and his goddamn stupid uncle who ran for president too [sic]."
"I say fuck Le'Ron, the Baltimore Ravens, the state of Nebraska, and Darth Vader," declared Crowder. "Y'all write that down. Channing Crowder doesn't do Napoleon for nobody."
"Julius Caesar can get fucked too," he continued.
Crowder continued to link unrelated people, events, and general planes of reality together for approximately 30 minutes.
"Shakespeare-he wrote a good book or something, right-himself could've seen that call was bullshit," asserted Crowder. "And he's been dead for like, what, 50 years."
"I mean, I'm not Bob Dylan, so don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining," added the linebacker.
"Motherfucker spit in my goddamn face-this is some real George Washington shit right now-I'm about to invade Poland," continued the former Gator. "I mean, if I see [Le'Ron McClain] again, I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse and take the cannoli-you know what I'm saying?" to which all assembled agreed they did not.
"I'm exercising my 16th Amendment rights," said Crowler, evidently invoking the right of Congress to levy income taxes. "Roger Goodell can't touch me right now."
At press, not a single coherent point was established or understood by anyone in Crowder's presence.
"Rome wasn't built in a day, and when you're there you gotta do what people tell you to do, so it's whatever," continued the linebacker as he descended further and further into utter nonsense.
"Carthage must be destroyed," concluded Crowder.