Dallas head coach Wade Phillips, who is packing the contents of his office into empty copy paper boxes as this is written, will bring his 1-6 Cowboys to Green Bay, where they will lose to the Packers this Sunday night, on what the team has designated the "First OVerall Pick In 2011 Draft" tour.
"Our team has only one goal," said Coach Phillips, who is battling Vikings coach Brad Childress for the 'Rick Kotite Memorial Sh-ttiest NFL Coach' award. "And that goal is to secure the first overal pick in the 2011 draft for whomever replaces me as head coach in Dallas."
"I couldn't help the Cowboys succeed by, you know, coaching them into winning," said Phillips. "But if they can draft (University of Washington quarterback) Jake Locker or (Stanford signal-caller) Andrew Luck to replace Tony Romo, who blows, they can get back to their winning ways."
Phillips, who f--ked up the football program at the University of Houston, West Orange-Stark High School, Oklahoma State University, University of Kansas, Houston Oilers, New Orleans Saints, Philadelphia Eagles, Denver Broncos, Buffalo Bills, Atlanta Falcons and San Diego Chargers, says that there is precedent for his decision.
"Plenty of teams have tanked their season just to move up in the draft," slandered Phillips, who will be driven from the NFL by an angry mob wielding pitchforks and straw torches.
"You don't think the Cavaliers tanked the 2002 NBA season to have a shot at drafting LeBron James?" asked Phillips, who was sued ten minutes after making this statement. "Or the Lions last year? Come on, no team could have been as bad as they were."
"Well, except for us."