Friday. Hundreds of aircraft have had to alter their flight paths during the Wimbledon finals due to excess noises emitted by female players, it was announced this morning. The planes, which frequently pass directly over the famous courts, reportedly suffered adverse effects during yesterday's quarter finals between Venus Williams and Maria Sharapova.
"During our approach my instrument panel went mental," said British Airways pilot David McDavids, "the radar didn't know what was going on and the no-smoking sign kept going on and off again. At one point I was on the radio to Heathrow when it cut out and I got an earful of Sharapova's grunting as she hit a ferocious cross-court volley!"
Another jet narrowly avoided a flock of birds. A passenger said: "We were descending, getting ready to land, and I looked down over London. I could see the courts below then the plane banked sharply and all of a sudden this flock of frightened birds went right past the window - I'm absolutely certain they had been startled by the loud grunting."
Meanwhile, on the ground, several spectators had to be treated for burst ear drums and a nearby block of flats had to be evacuated after one of Williams' sonic blasts caused irreparable structural damage.
"It was chaos," shouted a paramedic who attended the scene, "it was so loud that I think I've gone a bit deaf. I'm really sorry if I'm shouting! I said I'm really sorry but I've think I've gone a bit deaf."
Local council engineer, Paul McPaul hinted that the flats would have to be pulled down:
"It's like a massive earthquake hit - there are cracks appearing all over SW19. Those ladies really should learn to be a bit quieter otherwise we're gonna have major problems." he said.
Journalists later mobbed the Chief Executive of the All England Tennis Club for an interview:
"What?" he bellowed repeatedly, "I can't hear you! I can't hear you!" before running off towards the bar.
In her post match interview, victorious Venus seemed oblivious to the problems she had caused:
"I'm pretty pleased with the way it went - aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhh!!!" she said, "although I'm annoyed that I let her come back into the game during the second set - aaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhh!"