El Campello, a small town on Spain's Costa Blanca has caused a storm in international circles by throwing its hat into the ring as a late shock candidate for the 2020 Olympic Games.
The local council, known as an ayuntamiento in the local parlance have contacted the International Olympic Committee to officially declare their interest in hosting the games.
An ayuntamiento spokesperson, José Luis Ricardo Rodrigo Gonzalez-Zapatero-Sanchez Canatuna, otherwise known as Pepé said yesterday; "We believe that Campello is perfectly suited to be the host city for the 2020 Olympic Games. Spain is the World Champion in virtually every sport known to man, and we feel that now is the time to award The Games to Campello.
"Six years ago, some farsighted people in the ayuntamiento commissioned a secret investigative research team, (consisting of several Councillor's relatives, most of whom have seen the Olympic Games at least a couple of times on the television) to carry out a detailed and comprehensive analysis on the feasibility of Campello taking on such a large tournament as the Olympics.
"The report, which extends to an impressive eleven A4 pages of close-spaced typing (if you include the shopping list from my brother's ferreteria,) discusses the logistics of a small seaside town of just 28,000 people absorbing the estimated 100,000 athletes, support staff and media personnel. It also provides detailed plans on where to site the proposed athlete's village, the suggested site of an international television and related media centre, and the accommodation, parking, feeding and watering requirements of the anticipated 150,000 spectators daily.
"It will not be a problem, said the spokesperson defiantly from the steps of the Ayuntamiento in Avenida de la Generalitat." We have planned for every eventuality, and some of the town's restaurants will even open on a Monday.
"Several works have already been completed - For instance, in order to assist in relieving the massive traffic congestion associated with such an influx into the town, we have scrapped most of the traffic lights in town in favour of a complex, (and to the Spanish, utterly unfathomable system of roundabouts.) Broadcasts will be made daily, from my cousin's van, which is fitted with some boss speakers, a subwoofer and a boombox, explaining that the use of indicators is courteous, and turning left from the right-hand lane is "A Bit Stupid"
"We have given an opening license to the Hotel Don Antonio, thereby doubling the town's hotel beds overnight. They have been warned that they may approach something like full-occupancy, and they have reacted in an impressive fashion, and have ordered several extra boxes of bathroom toiletries on a sale-or-return basis from my aunt's consumable supplies company. My third cousin, who, when sober, and in a good mood, does cleaning after a fashion, and has been warned to dry out a bit.
There is also a 400-space underground car park recently opened and has been virtually totally unused ever since, and work on the open-air swimming pool is expected to be nearly completed in time for the opening ceremony in nine years time.
"We will also clear the area near to the abandoned convent next to the N332 of goat shit and toxic residue, and will lay a state-of-the-art athletics track. One of the Councillors has a brother-in-law who does, more-or-less, that sort of thing, so naturally, he will be awarded the contract for that, along with associated works.
"We will utilize Campello's beautiful beach for other track and field events - the shot put, javelin, triple and long jumps. We have a lovely sports centre - perfect for gymnastics and fencing. The seafront will also be the natural arena for all of the sailing events - Campello really does have it all, he stressed.
An opposition spokesman has slammed the plan, claiming it to be "half-arsed", "doomed to failure"" and "probably compiled over a bucket-load of Gin and Tonic in a bar somewhere."
"It's ridiculous, and badly-thought-out," he said petulantly. "Everyone knows that my sister is much better qualified to lay the athletics track!"
The International Olympic Committee Inspection Team were last night "unavailable for comment" as they were 'shit-faced', and having a "hands-on international relations liaison meeting" in Campello's Xanadu nightclub and brothel.