Gay Manchester United fan Larry Sabu, 20, has told friends that, if he were Sir Alex Ferguson, he wouldn't take any more of Wayne Rooney's lip, and that he would teach him a lesson by bending him over the edge of a table and giving him "a damned good bumming".
Larry was speaking to a bunch of fags in the Cock & Whistle public house near to Old Trafford, and got quite irate at one point, before being calmed down by close friend Martin, who gave his muscular shoulders a good rub.
He spoke at length about Rooney's behaviour over the shenanigans with his new contract, and the former Everton player's actions, which he described as "holding the club to ransom".
Rooney has had a poor start to the season, scoring just once, and that from the penalty spot, and there are those that say he is not worth the £28,000-a-day terms of his new contract.
Larry has been a fan of the Reds ever since Dimitar Berbatov joined the club back in 2008. He said "I like his slicked-back hair and pouting look. Rooney needs to take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror. He's such an attitude. Me? I'd bum it out of him!"