Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Space, New York

Sunday, 26 June 2005

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What A Dump

New York Jets Now Homeless, Are Worried About Their Future!!

Having lost a bruising political battle with heavyweight New York politicos for a new stadium in midtown Manhattan, home to more big, tall stupendoso buildings than any other municipal locale in the world and more political fat cats than any city could reasonably expect to support, the New Jersey Jets, who are euphemistically called The NEW YORK Jets, have begun a renewed but desperate search for some place nice to call home with the unannounced goal of being able to play football in a clean, fair and above the goal post atmosphere.

Central Park has been utopianishly proposed as a substitute but seating (the grass is greener and leaves unsightly stains that come out in the wash) is an issue as are demands for the protection of turf and any small children who might wander on field, consequently getting in the way of bigger than life onrushing defensive guards and even bigger offensive linemen, not to mention running backs spewing smokey breath and blue faced language not fit for a closed locker room.

Willets Point, an industrial car slum and body parts burial ground of some local disrepute, has also been proposed as an alternative, but chemical and political pollution, inconvenience and fear of uncovering victims of Tammany malfeasance have surfaced as a big public worry. "No one wants to be reminded of past losses in the middle of new football and election campaigns," one conspicuous politico bragged. "We bury our victims. We do not praise them," one unnamed source Brutally bragged far from the madding crowd and off the record.

So the question of the day is where can the Jets play? Anywhere they can score points! What's a little thing like common sense to stand in the way of a big stadium full of old geezers who need to be as comfortable as humanely possible. "We want to be spoiled," is this year's battle cry. There are those who hope they can find a long beach or a short pier, whichever comes first, but this appears to be very wishful thinking.

"Anyone want a couple of mil for a functioning, people friendly, environmentally positive, convenient to the public stadium?" the owner Woody "Woofpacker" Johnson of Bandaid fame has quoted by his spokesmen as asking. "New York is too cold hearted in winter and it's even hotter tempered than hell in the summers to support much in the way of athletic professionalism. This place can be really brutal to newcomers. This team needs a level playing field and a honest count to overcome the adversity of unfair playing conditions elsewhere in the "neigh"boreHood.

Mr. Johnson was last heard moaning, "Where, oh, where, has my little lovely stadia gone. Oh, where, oh, where can it be?

The reply from the paid seats is, "Sis boom bah. Rah rah rah. Shelly Silver wants us to root for a stadium someplace else. Ha, ha, ha!"

The background chorus is, "Bah, bah, bah, have you any stools. Yes sir, yes sir, four stadiums full."

Sheldon Silver, all powerful Speaker of the New York State Assembly, was not going to be reached to comment on this article.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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