Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 25 October 2010

image for Wayne Rooney Death Threats Thwarted As Striker Is Given New Identity
The new face of Rooney? (artist's impression)

Police investigating the death threats made against Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney, say that the player is being protected day and night from angry fans, and will shortly be flown to Geneva for plastic surgery, after which he will be given a new life and a new identity.

Rooney, 24, incurred the wrath of Reds fans last week when he initially told United bosses that he would not be signing a new contract. Later, in a move that has been described as 'holding the club to ransom', he managed to secure a deal worth £80million over five years, an offer which set in motion a terrifying series of events, which culminated in a death threat being sent to Rooney's home.

The note, according to police, in the handwriting of Sir Alex Ferguson, said simply:

"You're dead!"

Police were taking no chances, however, and removed the striker to a safe location, where he will be relaxing with a prostitute until the Swiss doctors are ready to accept their illustrious patient later this week.

Sergeant Bobby Helmet said:

"Mr Rooney will be given a new identity, and will probably be re-signed as an as-yet-unheard-of international prodigy in the January transfer window - that's in January."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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