Written by Spicewood
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Sunday, 24 October 2010

image for NFL Getting Serious
Al Kaida requests Muslims be banned from games

An emergency meeting of the National Football League officials, owners and players was called Sunday afternoon to address some of the issues facing the league. Helmet to helmet tackling, excessive celebrating, players running in to officials and conduct off field, were just a few of the many problems facing the league this year.

We could only speculate what was being discussed behind the closed door meeting, but during several "potty" breaks some of the agenda was disclosed by meeting members in their haste to reach the few bathrooms on the thirteenth floor of the building where the meetings were being held.

One major area of concern pertained to the helmet to helmet contact that has resulted in so many concussions and neck injuries. Apparently the one suggestions that seemed the most practical was to do away with the present helmets and issue leather helmets to all players. It was felt that by doing this, no player would want to go head to head, if the outcome could be serious injury for both players involved in the collision. One linebacker was quoted as saying,"Hey, I ain't gonna try to hit nobody real hard if all I got on my head for protection is one a them old leather things. I am just gonna do like in the old days and tackle some guy and not try to break his neck, OK?.

After last Sunday's injury to the member of the "chain gang" in New Orleans, starting in two weeks, to give all the stadiums time to make arrangements, chain gangs and sideline officials will use the first two rows of the stadium, and use laser activated markers to mark the progress on the field.

It was decided, too, that chaperons will be hired and trained by the league to accompany all players when they are outside of their homes or apartments.

Drinking of alcoholic beverages during the pre-season and regular season will be strictly prohibited for all players.

It will be against league policy to originate and send any pornographic material through the mail or via email. No nude photographs will be taken for any reason.

League officials further decreed that no active roster player can be in the presence of any female, wives, mothers and legitimate children excluded. They later amended this to include "illegitimate children."

It was also rumored that the league had been contacted by a member of Al Kaida, who requested that no Muslims be allowed to attend games as long as "pigskins" were used on the field of play.

Owners also have been contacted in regards to their contracting with Arthur Murray to instruct those players who feel they have to "dance" after a successful play. Those same players have the option of wearing appropriate team colored tights for their dances.

Official results of the meeting will be disclosed at a later date.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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