Written by Bill Licks
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Thursday, 21 October 2010

image for Eric Cantona gives Wayne Rooney some helpful advice about the future
Manchester United yesterday

Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has spoken about Wayne Rooney's decision to leave the Old Trafford club and has offered him some helpful advice as to his next move.

'If the tomato slips out of the cheese and tomato sandwich' said Cantona 'does it make it a cheese sandwich only?'

'Non, it does not. It is still a cheese and tomato sandwich as the tomato can be picked up off the floor and put back into the sandwich.'

'So if Wayne Rooney leaves Manchester United he is not the only tomato in the world. There are millions of tomatoes all hoping to play for Manchester United so all it takes is an expert horticulturalist to pick the best tomato and slice it up with a little mayonnaise, et voila, the cheese and tomato sandwich is even better than it was before.'

'As for Wayne Rooney, he can join a ham sandwich or a chicken sandwich but he must never join a peanut butter sandwich as that is just wrong.'

'Manchester City is like a peanut butter sandwich. Rich, buttery and full of peanuts. Unless it is smooth peanut butter in which case there are no peanuts. You can add jam to peanut butter or even banana but if you add a tomato then the sandwich will taste like shit and it will be hated by all those who take a bite.'

'I believe the tomato must follow the cucumber to the tuna sandwich where it can taste magnifique with a touch of vinaigrette'

So does that mean Rooney should join Cristiano Ronaldo at Real Madrid under the management of Jose Mourinho?

'Mais non. Of course it doesn't'

'It means Wayne Rooney should quit football and spend the rest of his days shooting his load over cheap whores.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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