Written by Neil Levine
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Saturday, 18 June 2005

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Mike The Mayor Promises Funky Fun And Games At The New Olympic Stadium

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg took his quest to host the 2012 Olympic Games to Accra, Ghana in a vainglory effort to convince a group of twenty poor, harried, unsympathetic International Olympic officials why the Richest City in the World deserves a second chance to bring home the golden athletic bacon. He told them, "The race is not to the swiftest, but to the slickest, at least where I come from. My job is to convince the IOC of the sorry facts of life."


"We have more museums, more fields, more water and giant rats than we know what to do with. Our museums fulfill virtually every human need from pottery to painting to weaving to cooking to staring at walls to collecting fossils and digging in the dirtiest dirt there is and we can help you understand the Stars and as many topics scientific as you care to recite in any order categorical. Remember I am the very model of a Major Mayor Mayor."


"We are more than willing to diversify our entertainment base, building by building, block by block, to include two more spanking new world caliber sports facilities so we can play fun games in almost all five boroughs, save Manhattan where the favorite activity of our populace is dodging speeding autos, a lively game, if I do say so myself. We have expanded to the point where we can offer you a two for one special. Use any stadium and get the second one free. Any sport. Any game. Any time. Just slip me the word.


"This is New York. We have wasted more money on patronage and other political pie in the sky schemes than any other City in the World and have far better taxes than virtually any other American city, and likely any other city on this planet."


"We have five zoos. Count ‘em. One for each borough. We have five botanical gardens. Count ‘em. One in each borough. We have an Aquarium off the Atlantic. How many cities can say that? We have Mad Avenue and Coney Island, where unruly crowds act like they are in another zoo. We have parks with perks. Lots of parks. Too many perks to count. We have hundreds of schools, around a thou, give or take a few we are not sure about, plus trailers, the likes of which you cannot imagine, and open air meeting places along with something on the order of a million students or two, when we can find the time to locate them."


"We have lots of goodies to go around so why not come on down and enjoy yourselves. I proudly offer you New York, the home to modern day Roman circus fun and games! Now sing along with me, ‘Something for everyone. Fun and games tonight!"


"And we owe all of this to Shelly Silver who believes sharing stadiums is paramount. We can do it. Just you wait and see! Remember the taxpayers money belongs to the politicians and we know how to lay it on thick."


"2012. The year the Olympics took a bite out of the Big Apple! Welcome back, welcome back!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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