Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 19 October 2010

image for Wayne Rooney Signs New Contract
The engineer gives the Rooney's new washer a quick once-over

In one of the biggest about-turns in recent footballing memory, Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney has today signed a new three-year contract agreement.

Rooney, 24, went with his wife Coleen to his local branch of Currys and purchased a Hotpoint washing machine, and, after receiving advice from the sales assistant, signed the three-year warranty agreement for a specially-discounted £54.45 per year (inc VAT).

The contract, which both Rooney and his wife signed, reads as follows:

WHAT IS COVERED

Your extended warranty provides cover against Mechanical/Electrical Breakdown of the Appliance identified on Your policy Schedule. Cover includes parts, labour and Call out charges (inc VAT) during normal working hours (8am - 5pm Monday to Friday) subject to the terms, conditions and
exclusions of Your policy.

WHAT IS NOT COVERED

The following are specifically excluded from the cover provided by Your extended warranty.
• Call out charges where a fault cannot be found with the Appliance.
• Accidental damage.
• Use of the Appliance by anyone other than You.
• Failure to comply with the manufacturers instructions for the care of the Appliance.
• Use in a commercial environment.
• An Appliance that does not meet the current electrical regulations in force at the time of purchase.
• Costs not authorised by the Claims Administrator or it appointed engineers.
• Faults relating to the installation of the Appliance.
• Faults relating to the owner's lack of intelligence.
• Deliberate damage or neglect of the Appliance.
• Repairs to cosmetic parts or non Mechanical Electrical components.
• Damage caused by foreign objects or substances.
• Faults known to You before commencement of cover under Your policy.
• Work, which relates to a manufacturer recall.
• Damaged of a cosmetic nature caused by but limited to denting, scratching, chipping, staining, and rust or corrosion.
• Routine maintenance of the Appliance, supplies or service in Your Home.
• Materials or labour charges covered by manufacturers or suppliers or installer's guarantee or warranty.
• Claims arising from the interruption, failure or disconnection of public services to Your Home (including water, electricity or gas supply) however caused or from gas leaks.
• Claims arising as a result of normal wear and tear (e.g. belts, fuses, seals, handles, runners, screen burn etc.)
• Total loss of use of the Appliance due solely to the non availability of replacement or substitute parts, in which case We shall offer settlement based on the depreciated value of the product and the estimated cost
of repairs had the parts been available.
• Consequential loss of any type.
• The VAT element of any claim where the Insured is VAT registered.
• Costs associated with the initial setup including but not limited to faults on freeview due to poor signal strength.
• Any cost arising from the change from analogue to digital broadcasting including the termination of analogue transmissions of any type.
• Loss of frozen food.
• Any claim within the first 30 days of purchasing the policy.
• Damage caused by humping a prostitute on the Appliance
• Damage caused by volleying the Appliance into the top, or bottom, corner, or against the posts or crossbar


CLAIM LIMIT (Subject to the provision of Betterment) Your policy provides cover up to:
a) The original purchase price of the Appliance on each claim and in aggregate or
b) a maximum of £2000 where the original purchase price of the Appliance exceeds £2000.
CLAIMS PROCEDURE It is vital to obtain cover under Your extended warranty in the event of a claim that You contact the Administrator by telephone on 0191 258 8163 or by fax 0191 257 3025. Please provide the Administrator with as much information about what has happened as possible, so they can give advice and arrange for the Claims Administrator to contact You.
Please have Your policy number and details of the Appliance ready when You call. UK Underwriting Ltd are an insurer's agent and in the matters of a claim act on behalf of the Insurer.

The United striker said after signing his contract:

"We...er...needed a new washer, and I...er...always take out...er...protection when I buy new stuff. I 'ad the ...er...bloke give it a once-over, but y'never know, do yer?""

He reiterated that he WILL NOT be signing a new contract with Manchester United, no matter what the risk of any of the above conditions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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