Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 30 September 2010

image for Phil Jagielka To Have Operation On Name
Doctors practising on Uho Ehiogu yesterday

Everton's England international defender Phil Jagielka must be cursing his bad luck this morning, after being told that he needs an emergency operation - on his name!

The former Hale Barns United and Sheffield United full-back joined the Toffees in a £4million deal back in 2007, but missed the end of the 2008-09 season (including the FA Cup Final) and more than half of 2009-10 with an injury to his anterior cruciate ligament (wherever that is!)

Now, however, an even more painful recovery awaits the player, after doctors said that his Polish-derived name needs urgent attention if he is to continue his rosy-looking England career.

One specialist surgeon working for the FA told me:

"Phil's a great defender, who shows just the right kind of gung-ho grit and determination that Fabio Capello is looking for, but it's his funny sur name that is the problem. It doesn't sound very English.

"We can now perform miracles of modern medicine, and are sure that we can help Phil. First we're going to make a slight incision after the 'g', and remove the tumourous 'ielka'. It's this that's the problem. The next step is very important. We have to find a suitable donor to provide Phil with a 'uar' ending, so that he can have the new British-sounding name of Phil Jaguar. Sounds much more English, we think."

If all goes well, the FA say that Jermain Defoe and Joleon Lescott have both been pencilled-in for adjustments to their stupid first names, and Wayne Rooney for a minor change to his second.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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