Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 28 September 2010

image for Gascoigne takes the helm at Garforth Town
Garforth Town v Harrogate Railway, what Gascoigne has to look forward to

Paul Gascoigne, the cheeky Georgie who wowed the world with his football prowess back in 1998, has taken the vacant manager's job at Evo-Stik First Division (Northern) League side Garforth Town.

Chairman of Garforth, Clifford the Big Red Dog, is delighted with the capture of the "Best Footballer of his Generation", as Gascoigne refers to himself.

"We have a lot of players who are looking forward to Paul's arrival," said Clifford. "Especially his team talks, as one or two of them are very depressed, and need to hear his words."

This isn't the first time that Gascoigne has been involved in football management. He famously took over then Conference North side Kettering Town, lasting thirty-nine days, before moving on.

Gascoigne's agent, Ian Stead, states that there are one or two details to sort out before Gascoigne manages his first match.

"Kettering didn't stock spirits in the bar," said Stead. "Although Paul is ten years sober, he likes a fully stocked bar. Garforth need to ensure plenty of WKDs, all of the flavours, including milk."

Clifford the Big Red Dog insists that Gascoigne's appointment is not a mere publicity stunt, although the stunt will generate much publicity.

"We believe Paul's brain contains nothing but football, and hopefully this can be transferred to the players. We believe that with Paul at the helm Garforth can mount a series assault on getting to the Evo-Stik Premier, and then the Conference North. After that, who knows? Conference National and maybe promotion to the league. Although, it's only a two year contract, Paul can work his sparkling magic and have us leapfrog a couple of divisions."

Gascoigne for his part did not want to be drawn on the subject but did say: "If they're after four back-to-back promotions, they've got the wrong Paul, they need Paul f**king Daniels."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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