Written by IN SEINE
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Topics: F1

Monday, 27 September 2010

image for No winner for Singapore Grand Prix -- Shock Finish!
The Safety Car As Used in the Singapore Grand Prix

What is described as the worst ever Formula One race was held in Singapore today! The history of Formula One racing will never be the same.

The race began with Spain's Fernando Alonso in pole-position, followed by German, Sebastian Vettel with Britain's Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button in third and fourth positions respectively. The beginning of the 61 lap race, [which is held under floodlights], got off to a cracking start with Alonso in the lead with a good 1:156:27 lap - a good one second in front of the others.

It was then that rather peculiar and bizarre events would take place; first of all a family of hedgehogs decided to cross the road - all eight of them were killed and their spines punctured the tires of four of the cars. The cars [which were at least half a away from the pit stop] could not be steered safely and so it meant that they were out of the race. A further four cars collided with the backs of these cars and fortunately nobody was injured. The casualties this time were: Rubens Barrichello, Robert Kubica, Jarno Trulli, Michael Schumacher, Bruno Senna, Nico Rosberg , Sakom Yamamoto and Felipe Massa.

After the incident, the safety car was deployed so that nobody could overtake either the safety car or each other. They continued for several laps in such a state which meant that another six cars had to retire because their engines and gearboxes overheated and caught fire.

With 51 laps to go, more than half of the competitors had retired. What else could happen? The Maclaren/Mercedes control centre suffered a power outage and lost contact with Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button and were therefore unable to warn them off the impending danger ahead. Both Vettel and Alonso collided with a pair of swans and with each other. Although they were unhurt, they were left for the rest of the race spitting feathers - especially after, Hamilton and Button hit them from behind! Both British drivers were unhurt, although, if the truth be known, Lewis Hamilton's pride was dented!

The 23-horse race was cut down to just five cars with 50 laps to go . Even so, the safety car had to be redeployed whilst the wreckage of the four leading cars were removed. The remaining cars took advantage of having yet another pitstop and unfortunately, one of the Force India cars driven by Adrian Sutil pulled out of the pits prematurely, taking with him a fuel line that had not been disconnected. The ensuing fireball engulfed his car rapidly and the driver of was forced to try and extinguish the flames by waving his hand out of the cockpit - alas, it made things worse and when he eventually came to a stop, he quickly evacuated the car and rolled on the ground to douse the remaining flames. Mr. Sutil was not badly hurt, however, he does face charges of waving a firearm in a public place.

With the safety car still on the track, the remaining four drivers were looking forward to completing the race with only 41 laps to go - surely nothing could happen... or could it? This certainly has turned out to be the most eventful Grand Prix ever held.

At this stage of the race, it was noticed that the 1.5 million spectators [each of whom, had paid $1000] began to moan because they come to see race and wanted their money's worth. It could be argued that much of the entertainment had already been seen, yet the crowd demanded more...

After staying behind the safety car for a further two laps, the surviving drivers roared in to action for the race to the podium, continued in earnest. Suddenly, one of the guests at The Raffles Hotel threw a banana skin out of his hotel room window onto the track. Unfortunately, one of the cars drove over it, near to the chicane which caused the vehicle to skid violently and although the driver battled to steer the vehicle out of danger, his actions caused the man immediately behind him to collide. Miraculously both drivers were unhurt.

It became very apparent that the crowd were becoming increasingly displeased and instead of cheering, they were booing.

The race was down to just two drivers, the relatively unknowns, Hulkenburg of Germany and Kobayashi from Japan. They had just managed to avoid the two cars at the chicane. Nevertheless, the safety car had to be deployed yet again because the cars of the chicane needed to be removed [this would take at least two laps time-wise to complete!]. Never before in the history of Formula One has the safety car been used so much... guess what happened next?

The Mercedes Benz safety car actually ran out of petrol and as it came to a halt, the other two drivers roared past and were immediately disqualified. So in fact nobody won. Race organizers were forced to place the bottles of champagne on ice [for it will be well past its best before date] for next year [that's if there is one next year]. It was very clear to see that the spectators were becoming increasingly unhappy and as the safety car driver got out of the car and walked to the pit stop to get some more petrol, he was pelted with rotten fruit, eggs and even wheel nuts.

As many as 75% of the crowd were demanding their money back because they had paid to see a race, not the public display of sheer incompetence. Should they successfully sue the organizers before me for next years season begins, then they may be forced to declare bankruptcy and all of the World Series could be in jeopardy.

F1 promoter, Bernie Ecclestein, told In Seine News: "I'm devastated... absolutely devastated! Even though this was a spectacular race full of rules and spills' it could still not satisfy the crowd. I'm ruined "!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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