(Pittsburgh, PA - September 17, 2010)… Early Friday morning, 2-Time Super Bowl Champion and star Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger held a press conference to address the local and national media. Roethlisberger, 28, is yet to play in an NFL contest this year due to his suspension stemming from a violation of the NFL player policy and his love of baby pusse.
In an unprecedented move that was reportedly strongly discouraged by his lawyer, family and fantasy football owners, "Big Ben" candidly spoke about what he would be doing with his extensive amount of free time:
"In addition to totally dominating with myself in Madden, I'm really excited about this year's prom season. There is a lot of fresh crop out there, and when you're the 'ride a motorcycle without a helmet, God-like professional athlete type of guy,' it's kind of like shooting fish in a barrel." Roethlisberger elaborated "And by fish in a barrel, I mean my dick in the vagina of an adolescent girl."
Prom night, which is notorious for its proliferation of hot drunken sex with a person you may or may not ever speak too again, generally features high school seniors and sexually promiscuous underclassmen, but Roethlisberger was certain that an exception would be made for him.
Steelers Head Coach, and noted smooth ass brotha, Mike Tomlin, stated "he wasn't sayin shit," explaining his desire to distance himself from his star player for fear that any notoriety could make his superiors realize that he is in fact a black man in his mid 30's and has no business coaching a football team, a career that is dominated by old white men with giant ass-like bulges in their pelvic region. (Editors Note: This phenomenon is affectionately referred to as a "foopa.")
Refusing to buck their trend of finding blatantly ignorant and uneducated people to interview, local news stations took to the streets in search of public opinion.
Mike Wilson, a resident of Pittsburgh and father of a 17 year old "Not that hot, but you would definitely fuck her" daughter who attends a local high school, was livid; "This right here is just plain wrong. Look, aint' nobody out there who love them Steelers like me, but my daughter is quickly developing a substantially fat ass (Editors Note: This description applies strictly to the anatomy of a teenage white girl and would in no way satisfy the urban community) and I don't want to be up all night worried that some giant man beast might be calling audibles all over my little girls face."
Jim Crenshaw, owner of a local American Apparel outlet, was also suspicious. "I'm not gonna sugercoat it for ya' fellas. I sell clothes that are designed with the sole intention of making women look like they not only want some dick, but need it for survival. If we're sending these kind of girls to a venue where Ben is present, he's gonna pick those little bitches apart quicker then the Lions secondary." (Editors Note: In compliance with NFL policy we are obligated to shit on the Detroit Lions at least once per article.)
Steelers President Art Rooney II, released a brief statement to the press. Within the memo, Rooney chastises his quarterback for his poor decisions, explaining that no matter how difficult it is to pass up a hot piece of ass, fresh off the assembly line, his organization would not be accepting of this type of behavior. Rooney went on to say that he "couldn't wait" for black people to learn how to throw the ball so he would only have to worry about his players facing gun and child support charges.
Surprisingly, Roethlisberger found support from many of his Steeler teammates. Backup QB Dennis Dixon put the situation into perspective "Come on now, it's not like the man is housing a complex underground organization that profits off torturing and murdering dogs, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could happen to anyone, who forces a woman into a bathroom stall to have intercourse against her will." Big Ben's favorite target, and as far as we can tell the only Asian person to ever be athletic, WR Hines Ward was also reached for comment. Unfortunately, Ward could not make a statement because his mouth was still "very full" with sushi. Starting RB Rashard Mendenhall was also unavailable to speak with the media because Ravens WR Donte Stallworth "accidentally" got drunk and killed him with his SUV.
At the time this report was filed, the identity of Roethlisberger's proposed date was still unknown. Former NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who recently changed his title to "NFL Supreme Dictator," wasn't happy about the news, but explained he would be more lenient because of Roethlisberger's past success and unquestionable "whiteness." He went on to add that if the Steelers did somehow win the Super Bowl, Ben Roethlisberger would not be getting an invite to Disney World.