Trainers for the Philadelphia Eagles are facing indictment for removing padding from players' helmets, causing at least 827 concussions in the past 4 years.
"I thought that getting out of Vet Stadium was going to help the situation," said former Eagles RB Brian Westbrook, who got knocked stupid 5 times during his playing career, erasing his memory of 4th grade and his 7-times-tables. "Now I find out I was sabotaged by my own team?"
Federal prosecutors allege that the team removed the padding from the helmets in order to give them a slight advantage on the field.
"We will prove at trial that the team conspired to remove the padding in order to reduce weight, making certain players faster," said deputy attorney general Sam Marzarella. "This we will prove by showing videotape of former QB Donovan McNabb consistently throwing behind his receivers. Over and over. Like, 15 times a game."
Sources say that the Eagles have resorted to murder to keep the deception secret.
"Andre Waters, Reggie White, Jerome Brown and Tom Brookshier all knew the secret," says the source. "And they ain't here to talk about it are they?"
"And as for Randall Cunningham's son? Well, we couldn't take any chances."