Written by Mercy Me
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Tuesday, 7 September 2010

image for England Players Have Affairs ON the Pitch
He shoots - he scores!

Publicity advisor Max Cash has always said that England fans are more interested in what England players do ON the pitch rather than what they do OFF it. This has been entirely misinterpreted by some of the team.

During the half-time period of the match against Switzerland John Terry, Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch each embarked on extra marital affairs in front of thousands of shocked spectators.

In a misguided attempt to preserve his family-friendly brand image Rooney chose to have a threesome with two twin sisters he spotted in the crowd.

Later, none of the three could understand the crowd's negative reaction. Rooney was furious: "It's great when your own fans boo you, eh? I thought I put in quite a good performance."

"Look, we were born stupid and our only interests in life are football, shagging, drinking and smoking. We are no different to our fans really so we're a bit puzzled", claimed Crouch.

"Yeah, and it's not like we're going behind our partners' backs anymore, is it?" emphasised Terry."

A spokesperson refused to comment specifically but did release a statement: "When viewing activities on the pitch from various positions it is difficult to be 100% sure whether someone has crossed the line. Pending a full investigation, we will treat this incident as a mere allegation."

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