I can reveal that £100,000-a-week Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney is furious that his childhood sweetheart and girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin has left him for me. Coleen is fed up with Rooney's lying and cheating and dalliances with prostitutes. She has ordered Wayne to move out of their £5 million mansion in Cheshire so that I can move in instead. I will be moving in shortly, just as soon as Coleen can arrange the removal vans.
Coleen admitted that she has been seeing me since finding out what a rat Wayne really was and that her feelings, which were initially purely platonic, changed over the weeks and months, so that she is now besotted with me. She told reporters that she will be flying out to the Bahamas with me next week and she will take me shopping tomorrow for some nice clothes and several Samsonite suitcases. Friends have said how happy Coleen seems when she is around me and thanked me for being there for her.
Fellow Manchester United footballers have expressed concern that Wayne's girlfriend has left him for me and that it might also happen to them. They have indicated that they will be keeping a lookout for me to ensure that I don't snare their girlfriends too.