NEW YORK, NY - To no one's surprise, Flamboyant Yankees GM Brian Cashman unveiled a new relief pitcher strategy today, just one day after a large position player shake up that involved Hideki Matsui moving from left field to center field, Tony Womack heading to left field, and the promotion of Robinson Cano to play second base.
"An 11-15 record just doesn't cut it," whined Cashman. "We owe our fans more. We resemble the sand man more than a baseball team. We're looking to get this thing on track. We just feel there are certain things we need to start doing" said Cashman, using the exact words he used the day before, as he announced that once reliable relievers Tom "Flash" Gordon, Mike Stanton, and closer Mariano Rivera would be demoted to Double-A Trenton in favor of newly signed oldies Gaylord Perry, Pete Rose, and Wade Boggs. When asked why Tanyon Sturtze, who has impressed no one including his mother with his 6.10 ERA was not sent down, Cashman calmly replied "our big guys are underperforming; Tanyon's always been lousy - we were expecting 9.10 so he's doing fine."
Cashman was also very open about his opinion of his historically strong relief corps. "Our middle relievers might as well be in the middle of the road - literally - dodging cars would at least be entertaining - they have not been entertaining on the mound" mused Cashman. "And don' t think I've forgotton Mariano, because the only thing he's been able to close lately is the zipper on his pants after he pees, and he even forgets to do that sometime. In fact Mariano isn't Mariano and I'm tempted to get him arrested for impersonation- I have a standing $10,000 reward if someone can bring me the real Mariano."
But why Perry, Rose, and Boggs, who despite dominant stats in their day, hall of fame credentials and obvious curiosity drawing appeal are currently 66, 64, and 46 years old and are challenged just to stay awake at autograph signing shows? And what pitching credentials do Rose and Boggs have?
Cashman squeeled "Perry still throws in the high 20's and his spitter is as greasy as ever. He uses Canola now because of his heart. We'll keep his pitch count to 5. Even though Rose is a bit of a gamble - get it ha ha ha he gives 200% - and 25% to his bookie ha ha ha and is tired of paying his way into parks or paying off ushers ha ha ha while Boggsie can still throw a devilish knuckler that doesn't even activate the speed gun and will be ready and willing to replace A-Rod at third base if A-Rod doesn't start to perform like he's capable. I'm tempted to use a cattle p-Rod if A-Rod shape up p-Ronto".
When asked about struggling former all-stars Kevin Brown and Jaret Wright, who have combined stats of 2 wins, 5 losses, 38 innings pitched, 64 hits and 8 home runs allowed and an ERA of 8.01, Cashman was visibly angered, and stated "Brown and Wright can kiss my jock - no wait -scratch that - my words, not my jock - I'm not that kind of guy - what I meant to say is that they are professionals. They have been through bad streaks before and we have all the confidence in the world that they will turn this around on their own. We have not discussed thier performance with them nor will we take any corrective action at this time."
When reached for comment hanging upside down by their ankles outside of Cashman's office in the upper deck, Brown and Wright declined comment, chosing instead to grunt through the duct tape that covered their mouths and to flail their arms with wide-eyed abandon at pants-less Jason Giambi and Tino Martinez, who were velcroed to the scoreboard in left center field.