Written by Nick Hobbs
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Sunday, 22 August 2010

image for Goal Line Technology: The Sad Truth Behind The Decisions That Ruin Your Football Games
"Uh, sorry I was looking at that ant's nest....no, stand up, no goal awarded!"

Around the ever growing argument about the use of video technology in football, this reporter has been handed some shocking evidence regarding the seemingly bad decisions that occur by referees week in, week out.

A top flight referee, who has asked for his identity to be kept secret, gave me an indepth interview about this very hot topic.

Mr Ref (whose real name is...no, too obvious!) told me that in his opinion, goal line technology should be in full use right now.

"On several occasions," he told us through a voice changer "I have proof that the ref has been looking at a players new hairstyle, rather than watching the ball."

"I also have video evidence of a top FIFA ref clearly looking at one of the WAG's in the crowd, and he completely missed an 'over the line' ball. He just waved his hand and said 'no goal', but it was! It so was!" he continued.

I was shown video evidence of a premier league game in which a goal was disallowed, even though the ball was at least a foot over the line.

Looking closely I can clearly see the referee looking excitedly at a balloon as it bounces on to the pitch from the touchline. The crowd roar, and the official is snapped out of his boyish wonderment to nonchalantly dissallow the obvious goal.

It's this level of bad decision making by way of stadium distraction that is ruining our beautiful game.

"I've known ref's to be distracted looking at a shiny pair of new boots," said my mole, "a low flying pigeon, I even have a photo of a ref up north who was distracted by a hot pie in the crowd, during a lunchtime match. That resulted in a goal being allowed, even though the striker roundhoused the keeper in a manouvre even Jackie Chan would have been proud of!"

"The only answer," says my snitch, "if they don't want to use the technology, is to ban the crowd. All games should be played after everyone in the stands has left. Get rid of the people watching, you get rid of the distractions! And play all games indoors, that'll solve the wildlife, weather and aircraft distractions"

After watching footage of a blatent penalty being disallowed, because the ref was busy playing in a puddle during a rain soaked match on the coast, I am partially in agreement that matches should be played indoors.

The argument about touchline technology will no doubt roll on for months to come, but this reporter is 100% convinced that it should be used. Too many matches have been won or lost due to fancy hair dye and hot food stuffs.

In other news, there is still no cure for cancer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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