Written by galgar
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Topics: Health

Thursday, 19 August 2010

The long believed theory that all footballers are born with congenital brain defects has been disproved by the British Medical Council after thousands of extensive tests lasting over thirty seven years.

Some are actually quite normal when born, apart from exhibiting Neanderthal type features. The incessant striking of the balls against the head from an early age does nothing for their mental development other than to severely retard it. The proof of this observation is born out by the violent tendencies exhibited by many players when under the influence of alcohol causing a general lack of self control. Those with scratchy squeaky voices are also liable to exhibit delusions of grandeur thinking themselves above the law, both on and off the field. Self mutilation is also another sign of diminished responsibility.

One answer to the problem would be to give then smaller, softer balls to play with which would lessen the trauma when the balls are in violent contact with the head. The brain is like a central computer (would you play tennis using your laptop instead of a racket)needing constant care and attention, which certainly does not include imbibing copious amounts of strong alcohol and getting very little sleep due to excessive sexual activities.

The new excuse that they are all far too bloody thick to understand simple instructions is however, being taken seriously and lobotomies of elctro-convulsive shock treatment may be the answer.

The kissing on the lips and fondling of one's teamate's arse (watch where the fingers migrate to)when they fondly embrace after putting the ball into the net is to be frowned on, especially when it is one's own net. Special schools are to be set up to teach the art of discrete tackling without falling foul of the referee and being penalised with the handing out of those little coloured cards. Counselling sessions for the losing team will be compulsory.

Fans belonging to the losing side will be asked not to abuse the inhabitants of the host town when the team is playing away. However, the odd battle in the stands between rival fans will be tolerated during the half time interval, providing the ambulances are allowed in to remove the wounded in good time for the game to continue.

Abuse of referees is to be encouraged because they are very definitely born with incurable brain damage, otherwise they'd be spending their Saturday afternoons more productively at home with boyfriends or wives putting them up the stick or something unmentionable in decent company.

Linesmen are the poor relations of the game and most do it for the love of football, hoping that someday they will qualify and be able to take full control of a game and receive the abuse they are then due, so please give them your profound respect for the present.

Pissing in the stands will become an offence especially if any young child is present, but crapping behind the stands will still be allowed as the shit will be used on the pitch to save the cost of manure. Please take the soiled paper home it a little see-through plastic bag and dispose of in the correct bin.

Generous donations for the players are to be encouraged because some of the are falling behind with the mortgages on their hugely expensive mansions due to the recession and the increase in the price of booze, muscle cars, petrol and frequent use of highly priced whores.

Strip manufacturers are up in arms about the suggestion that the basic strip be standardised and supplemented with velcro stick on patches of suitable colours and shapes to suit the various teams. A spokesman for the manufacturers association said such draconian measures would result in huge redundancies in the filthy third world sweat shops they use to produce the garments and a monster drop in profits which will be totally unacceptable.

Foreign managers, coaches and trainers will no longer be required to speak English because most of the players are from distant shores and don't understand English anyway. However, referees will not be allowed to use this fact as an excuse for the use of obscene gestures, such as giving the finger or bigoted remarks about ethnic origins the players do not understand.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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