Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Monday, 16 August 2010

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Now all the rentboys have to do is buy some class...

In an unprecedented move, Chelsea FC have splashed out an undisclosed sum - beleived to be several billion - on purchasing history from all over the world during the summer. At Saturday's game against West Bromwich Albion, they revealed their latest purchase - the entire history of the Jurassic Period which followed their earlier purchases of the Dark Ages, the Victorian and the early biblical periods.

Upon questioning, Roman Abramovich (not the Roman period although he is in discussion to buy that) revealed that the club is desperately buying history hand over fist to finally prevent scousers from being able to chide the club for having NO history.

This all follows bitter Bruce Buck (Chelsea Chairman / Chief Rentboy), stunned by Joe Cole's defection to the most successful club in British history, using the programme notes from Chelsea's clash with West Bromwich Albion on Saturday to pathetically state that Joe Cole has moved to "a smallish club somewhere north of the M25". What Chelsea fans from North of the M25 felt about that London-centric slight is as yet unknown.

So hung up about their abject lack of history (which as we all know includes no European Cups and a distinct lack of a global fanbase) that Chelsea have now gone from small acorns like handing out free flags to supporters (to help generate any semblance of atmosphere on European nights) onto big trees like purchasing the Natural History Museum.

Mike Racist, unemployed and dribbling Chelsea Supporter / part-time child molestor, dragged his knuckles over to our reporter to say this:

"finally, we can now look the scousers square in the eye and say we've got history. We've bought the league, we've paid millions to create a very basic atmosphere at Stamford Bridge, we've assembled the best team of rapists, drink drivers, flash Harry's and cheating husbands that money can buy and at least we've now bought history. It's a magnificent day for Chelsea Football Club and I for one am proud to watch my team from my armchair since I started supporting them a few years ago."

Liverpool were unavailable to comment as they were too busy laughing at the rentboys and congratulating Joe Cole on the first manly tackle he's ever made now he's at a proper club like Liverpool. All staff were busily engaged in the almost endless exercise of polishing the 18 league titles, 5 European Cups, 7 FA Cups, 7 League Cups, 3 UEFA Cups, 3 European Super Cups, 15 Charity Shields and countless other silverware gained from decade after decade of unrivalled success - all of which can be seen in the trophy room at Anfield. If you're not sure what it looks like, think of the shoe cupboard at Chelsea and multiply that by a factor of fifty.

Rentboys...they just don't get it do they? You can't buy history and you certainly can't buy class because while form may be temporary - class is timeless.

So fuck off Chelsea FC, you aint got no history, 5 European Cups and 18 leagues... that's what we call history [all together now...fuck off Chelsea FC, you ain't....]

YNWA

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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