Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Sunday, 15 August 2010

image for "Mancini couldn't manage a fish and chip shop" Given blasts City boss
Roberto Mancini.

Shay Given clearly had a very large chip on his shoulder as he ridiculed Roberto Mancini's managerial credentials after being left on the bench for the opening game of the season against Harry Redknapps Spurs.

Given, asked after the 0-0 draw for his opinion on Mancini's decision to give the number one jersey to Joe Hart, responded by saying "That man couldn't manage a fucking chipper never mind a football team."

The Republic of Ireland keepers comments have infuriated Mancini and will no doubt help to speed up his departure from Manchester after his pre season ultimatum of "Play me or I'm off."

City manager Roberto Mancini admitted he was hurt by the comments but vowed to keep the disgruntled netminder at Eastlands despite his petulant attack.

"Shay iz a sheet" said Mancini. "His comments about my managements are not fair and is nothing but big fat lies from a leetle, grumpy green pants bambino. I am very good feesh and cheep maker, when I was a boy I used to work in my Uncle Federico's restaurant in Glasgow in Scotaland and my batter burgers were second to no ones!

"Nobodies could fry a Mars bar like me! No one! Every summers Uncle Fredo would leave me as boss and go on olidaze to Kircaldy to drink and lie on the bitches. My cheep's were da talk of da town, first thing I would dip them for two minutes and a den I would dry them off and a den I'd fry da shit out of them for another six a haff minute.

"My cheeps were da creespiest cheeps in Scotaland, my feesh was fantastico, with my secret batter recipe I make grown men cry and ladies orgasmo.

"I was great manager, I donna give a sheet what Shay Given say about me, all he has to do at the moment is sit on the bench and shut da fuck up because Joe Hart is my numero uno."

Arsenal are considering a bid for Given but are said to have grave concerns that having another miserable git like Arsene Wenger at the club could lead to a flurry of transfer requests.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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