Written by Philip Wright
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Friday, 13 August 2010

image for O'Neill wanted Milner fee to, "Do up kitchen."
"How much for a coffee maker? You don't even like coffee, Martin."

The reasons why former Aston Villa manager, Martin O'Neill, suddenly departed the club last week have been revealed by a variety of reliable sources.

O'Neill apparently met with chairman, Randy Lerner, for a meeting to discuss how the £20million from James Milner's transfer fee would be spent.

Both talked for an entire, "several minutes" about potential spending, before O'Neill requested £4m to, "Do up me kitchen."

Lerner apparently described this request as, "Ludicrous."

Mrs. B. Rummy, a cleaning lady who works for Aston Villa, heard the rest of the conversation whilst scouring a lavatory bowl across the hallway. She was able to describe what happened next:

"Lerner was angry that O'Neill wanted a new kitchen with the money. He kept saying, "How much for a coffee maker? You don't even like coffee, Martin." over and over again."

O'Neill refused to comment on whether he was seeking funds for a new kitchen but did reveal that Lerner got very personal with him; "He told me to go ask one of my "leprechaun mates" to lend me their pot of gold. I believe I called him a racist."

O'Neill continued, "I went to empty my desk having just called The Chairman, "a tight a**e." He followed me and claimed he was, "generous with money" before reminding me to, "blow out the office candles before I left."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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