The English FA and the Premier League have got together in a new merchandising deal worth twenty million pounds, releasing a line of food products.
First in the freezer cabinets of local supermarkets will be Aston Vanilla ice-cream, said by food critic Hugh Blinkinthop to be almost the perfect dessert, but not quite fulfilling one's ultimate desires. A new move will see a fresh product after this, with Black-cherry-pool, a yoghurt based frozen dessert that melts quickly in the heat.
Full-of-ham is a sandwich filling that is chocked full of expensive pig meat, but will leave the consumer feeling decidedly unsatisfied. Wigan Wheels are a relaunch of a similar chocolate covered biscuit snack that many said in the taste test, tasted of meat pie.
Liver-and-onions-pool is a main course dish that will be launched a few months after the other cuisine dishes. It will cost a lot, but experts predict that it will gain ground on the more popular dishes Cheeselea and Manchester Unfried. Cheeselea is a spreadable toast topping made only of the most expensive, mouth watering cheeses, whilst Manchester Unfried is a vegetarian alternative to bacon, that is expected to do quite well. Also expected to do quite well is the oil-soaked Manchester McVities, expensive biscuits that melt away into nothing when you eat them.
Blackberry-burn is a inspired from the dishes of Heston Blumenthal, and crosses blackberries with chillies for an eye-watering dish that will make you sick to your stomach if you have too much. Bi-rimming Ham is ham that has been coated in both BBQ sauce and breadcrumbs, before being sliced to thickly to be edible, whilst West Ham is not expected to sell at all.
"We are pretty sure that these new products are going to fly off the shelves," said Premier League spokesman Harry Tilshaven. "Each of the products will have the corresponding logo of their corresponding team. Although it will probably sell well, Arse Nail is probably best avoided, if you can."