Shocked Aston Villa supporters woke up this morning to the news that Martin O' Neill had left the Midlands club just five days before the start of the 2010/2011 season. Many speculated that O' Neill left because he couldn't take the club any further if they were forced to get rid of top players like James Milner, Gareth Barry and Bosko Balaban every season. However, this newspaper has learnt from O'NEILL HIMSELF that this rabid speculation couldn't be further from the truth!
'People think I left because of the James Milner situation but that's absolute bollocks. The real reason I left is because the club has no money due to John Carew's constant need to have lap dancers around him at every minute he's not on the football field' said an exasperated O'Neill. He then revealed that Carew's lap dancing bill had almost BANKRUPT owner Randy Lerner. 'Randy was always indulging John's own randy personality. He thought that if he kept providing John with lap dancers then he would have a 50 goal a season striker who would win us the League Cup and get us to the coveted Group Stage of the Europa League playing illustrious opposition such as Sheriff Tiraspol and BATE Baresov.' Unfortunately O' Neill's dream of finally playing the reigning champions of Moldova and Belarus were shattered when Lerner revealed the playing budget for the coming season. 'Randy called me in to his office and said the club would be paying players in pork scratchings and change that various employees would pick up from begging on the streets of Birmingham! I couldn't believe my ears!'
The club also went to great lengths to hide the debt situation from O'Neill. 'It's only last night that I found our Assistant Manager had been forced to live under a bridge in Handsworth with his wife, kids and elderly mother since April because of the situation! I always thought he ate his Chicken Pasta at a heck of a speed before each match and now I know why!' sobbed the outgoing Villa manager. 'John couldn't be without his lap dancers for a single moment! We had to have two poles fitted in the dressing room in a position where he could always see them. When we lost to Wigan on the first day of last season I was having a pop at Curtis Davis for his usual shit defending but none of us could hear one another over John's lap dancers gyrating to 'We Be Burnin' by Sean Paul. John just looked like a zombie stuffing twenty pound notes down their G-string, then when they got full two more dancers would immediately take their place! He even showed me how he'd managed to fit a whole lap dancing club with a bar and bouncers into his Range Rover! They used to rub their tits against him when the traffic lights were on red and everything!'
But things came to a head on a visit to Birmingham Children's Hospital. O' Neill said 'We were all in a huff having to visit that bloody place again. We all knew the drill, smile for a few kids, hand them shirts and mascots, say some bullshit to the local rags and radio about them being brave! Unfortunately it has to be done. But when John turned up I nearly shat myself left right and centre! He'd arrived with FIVE lap dancers and demanded they have space to do their work. One of the children receiving treatment for a liver malfunction was forcibly woken up and taken to another ward along with his bed and drip to make room for them. John then handed an Official Aston Villa Gnome to a 7 year old boy while his dancers shoved their fannies on his face! At that moment I realised he was completely addicted.'
O'Neill forecasts a bleak future for the club if Carew continues to be given dancers by Lerner and revealed how it was taking its toll on the American owner. 'Randy has nothing left! The bouncers have taken the boardroom fittings away, the corporate areas, televisions, bars, the managers office, everything! We had our last meeting in cast off deck chairs nicked from B and Q's skip! He's even thinking of selling the goalposts for scrap metal and placing two jumpers at either end of the pitch instead!'
Aston Villa's new season kicks off on Saturday 14th August with a home tie against West Ham United. Randy Lerner refused to comment on the current situation. John Carew answered his phone but could not be heard over 'Gangsta Love' by Snoop Dogg and the sound of notes being vigorously stuffed down flimsy under crackers.