Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Usain Bolt

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

image for Usain Bolt Out For Rest Of Season With Penis Injury
It's just out of shot

Olympic and world sprint champion Usain Bolt has been ruled out of competing for the rest of the 2010 season, after a doctor diagnosed a serious penis injury.

The Jamaican's famous 'third leg', normally strapped to his leg with duct tape, could be seen by fans, trailing along the track as he tried in vain to catch Tyson Gay at Stockholm's Diamond League meeting. It was only his second professional 100m defeat.

Following an examination in Germany, Bolt said:

"Me cock 'urts, mon. Ah normally 'ave it tied up, ya na what ah mean? So as not to scare the sexy ladies a lickle bit, but, ya na, it came danglin down me leg, and onto the track. Some spikey gravel down there, mon. Bad sore! Riiiiiiight!"

The triple Olympic champion was examined on Monday by a Munich doctor who found a problem with his purple helmet, and suggested that, if not treated, it could prove rather painful whenever his female fans asked for a look at his 'Gold Medal'.

In the past, the sprinter's 'thing' has been compared to a Boa Constrictor, but as his agent, Ricky Simms, told a Press conference:

"Usain Bolt has a tool much bigger than a Boa. Indeed, it's no accident that his name is an anagram of 'Boa? Insult!' Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Simms said in his statement:

"With a view to his future career, we believe further treatment on his penis followed by a long rest will be in his best interest. You should see it, mon, it's like Darth Vader's hatstand!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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