Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 9 August 2010

image for International Football Is Shit, Say Players
Mr Capello's flight now boarding at Gate '66

International football has been hit by a slew of insulting retirements over the weekend, with at least three players giving notice that they no longer want to play for their countries again, because it is "shit".

First to go was the 'hunky' Blackburn Rovers goalkeeper, Paul Robinson, who, only days earlier, had been called into Fabio Capello's England squad to face Hungary at Wembley Stadium on Wednesday. Robinson told reporters that he was not satisfied with being England's third- or fourth-choice goalkeeper, and that he was "fed up of international duty".

Next up was Fulham's Welsh midfielder Simon Davies. The 30-year-old won 58 caps for Wales, scoring six goals, after making his debut in 2001. He told us:

"Wales are shit. They'll never win anything. I only played for them because my mum told me to."

This morning, however, it emerged that an even bigger name was about his business telling his international manager just where he can shove it. Wes Brown, the Manchester United and England defender, who is also 30 (weird, no?), and who had also been selected for Wednesday's squad, contacted Capello at the team's hotel in Watford on Saturday night and told him:

"Don't pick me again. England are shit. They'll never win anything, but we're led to believe we can win anything. The pressure on us is too great, and we fool ourselves into thinking we can deal with that pressure, but we're only human. Now fuck off."

The decisions of Brown and Robinson leave Capello in an embarrassing situation, with a clear lack of communication with his fringe players becoming increasingly evident.

Maybe he should pack his bags and get off home before everyone retires.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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