Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 19 July 2010

image for The Rumor Mills Say Ashley Cole May Be Sold To Real Madrid
Ashley Cole's teammate and fellow 'wandering wellier' John Terry says that Cole will remain with the Blues.

LONDON - The English rumor mills are working overtime with word that Chelsea footballer and soon-to-be-ex-husband of Cheryl Cole may be sold to Real Madrid.

Several insiders have said that the Chelsea organization is fed up with all of the behind-the-scene antics that the likes of Ashley Cole has placed upon the team.

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti, no relation to Bruno Ancelotti of The Ancelotti Condom Manufacturers, stated that Ashley will remain as the Blues left back defender.

He went on to say that Ashley still feels that his estranged wife Cheryl Cole will become unestranged and return to him, forgive him, and have his baby, which they will name Ashley Jr.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Yeah right. And Amy Winehouse will soon be named the prettiest looking woman in the entire United Kingdom.]

Ashley's teammates Didier Drogba, John Terry, and Frank Lampard all agree that the Chelsea defender will remain with the team.

Meanwhile on the other side of the coin (schilling), teammates Kalou Salomon and Anelka Nicolas say that Cole has already overstayed his welcome.

Second striker Salomon said that he overheard one of the parking lot attendants at Stamford Bridge say that Ashley will soon be traded to Tottenham Hotspur.

One of the Chelsea employees Bryan Fiddleshire, whose job it is to inflate the soccer balls or footballs, said that he was told by one of the Chelsea stockholders that Mr. Cole will soon become a member of the Wolverhampton Wanderers.

When Ashley was contacted and asked to comment on these trade rumors he reportedly rolled his eyes, spit on the ground, grabbed his crotch and yelled out, "I want me Chezza. In me funny, sordid little mind, she is still mine. She duzzent belong ta Derek "The Dancing Dude" Hough, or Black Eyed Pea member will.i.am, or dat slob X-Factor judge Louis Walsh, or even Katy Perry's fiancee Russell Brand."

SIDENOTE: Ashley has not quite yet gone on a rant and rave mission like Mel "From Hell" Gibson, or David "The Hamburger Kid" Hasselhoff, or even Alec "Mr. Daddy" Baldwin, but close friends are worried about him. Neighbors have reported hearing Cole outside his home at 2 a.m. in the early morning London drizzle yelling out "Dammit! dammit! dammit! I want me Chezza back. I promise dat me wandering welly (wiener) will no longer wander anymore and it will only belong ta her."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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