Paul Gascoigne, ex footballer, now turned 'freelance negotiator' caught a Taxi to Manchester last night, apparently at great cost, offering to help Wayne Rooney and Coleen Rooney with their current marriage problems.
Following his recent 'appearance' at the Raoul Moat Shooting, where he played no significant part whatsoever, Gazza held a packed press conference alongside fellow headline seekers Gary Cook, the Manchester City CEO and Blackpool manager Ian Holloway.
A Saint comes bearing Gifts
"Lissen reet" slurred Gazza, obviously worse for wear, "Av errm, Av err errr, fuck fuck, start again, Av errr, Av come here reet, to sort oot wayne n coleens err, err, BUUUURRRRRRRP!! Wat am ah doin ere again?....... oh aye ......BURRRP!! sortin their marrige oot leek, Aye"
Lay out in front of the press desk were several items Gazza had brought along with him specifically for Wayne and Coleen. In his capacity as a 'peacebroker' at the Raoul Moat incident he brought the fugitive some rather strange yet caring items, showing Gazzas unknown affectionate side. These included a dressing gown, some chicken, some bread, a can of lager and laughably yet logically, a fishing rod for Moat, seeing as he was down by the river.
"Av brought some ssstuff fer these two leek, an am 'opin' it'll lerrus elp um.... SSSSeein as tho' Waynes all alone coz Coleens mopin aboot at 'er Mams, av brought 'im some BUUUUUURRRRPP!!granny porn. Itz good shit Aye, 'e'll luv it, me Auntie Brendas in it."
"An Av brought BUURRPP!! Coleen a fillum, an it'ss some soft-porn rom-com rubbish called 'Pretty Woman' summat aboot a hooker or summat. Ah think it'll go doown a treat"
Blue Moon Rising
Gary Cook, Man City CEO, never one to miss an opportunity to 'over-promote' or should that be exaggerate the club, was more interested in business and signed Gascoigne on a year long Pay as You Play Scheme...
"When we heard Gazza was coming to Manchester, we thought we better sign him up before the other lot did, or at least that's what Brian Kidd and David Platt told us" said a sheepish Cook.
The Futures Bright
Meanwhile over at Bloomfield Road, Blackpool manager Ian Holloway had to have his say on the matter - "Yeah but, No but, Yeah but, No but, see roight it wer C'leens fault cos wot 'appened was she texted Maria wiv da news about wayne an stuff and Destiny told her she dint know nuffink about it, an SHATTUP WILL YA, I ain't never not never seen Wayne wiv no prossy but I 'eard rooney fingered Chantelle or summink an she's up the duff an it's all Lisa's fault coz she reckons Candice has got one tit bigger than the 'Uvver but I ain't not even not never spoken to C'leen fer ages so SHATTAP WILL YA!"