Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 11 September 2010

image for Saint Gazza taxis into Manchester to save Wayne & Coleens marriage
NTNON team find Rooneys Footy Fetish Porn Pic he texted to Whore!!

Paul Gascoigne, ex footballer, now turned 'freelance negotiator' caught a Taxi to Manchester last night, apparently at great cost, offering to help Wayne Rooney and Coleen Rooney with their current marriage problems.

Following his recent 'appearance' at the Raoul Moat Shooting, where he played no significant part whatsoever, Gazza held a packed press conference alongside fellow headline seekers Gary Cook, the Manchester City CEO and Blackpool manager Ian Holloway.

A Saint comes bearing Gifts

"Lissen reet" slurred Gazza, obviously worse for wear, "Av errm, Av err errr, fuck fuck, start again, Av errr, Av come here reet, to sort oot wayne n coleens err, err, BUUUURRRRRRRP!! Wat am ah doin ere again?....... oh aye ......BURRRP!! sortin their marrige oot leek, Aye"

Lay out in front of the press desk were several items Gazza had brought along with him specifically for Wayne and Coleen. In his capacity as a 'peacebroker' at the Raoul Moat incident he brought the fugitive some rather strange yet caring items, showing Gazzas unknown affectionate side. These included a dressing gown, some chicken, some bread, a can of lager and laughably yet logically, a fishing rod for Moat, seeing as he was down by the river.

"Av brought some ssstuff fer these two leek, an am 'opin' it'll lerrus elp um.... SSSSeein as tho' Waynes all alone coz Coleens mopin aboot at 'er Mams, av brought 'im some BUUUUUURRRRPP!!granny porn. Itz good shit Aye, 'e'll luv it, me Auntie Brendas in it."

"An Av brought BUURRPP!! Coleen a fillum, an it'ss some soft-porn rom-com rubbish called 'Pretty Woman' summat aboot a hooker or summat. Ah think it'll go doown a treat"

Blue Moon Rising

Gary Cook, Man City CEO, never one to miss an opportunity to 'over-promote' or should that be exaggerate the club, was more interested in business and signed Gascoigne on a year long Pay as You Play Scheme...

"When we heard Gazza was coming to Manchester, we thought we better sign him up before the other lot did, or at least that's what Brian Kidd and David Platt told us" said a sheepish Cook.

The Futures Bright

Meanwhile over at Bloomfield Road, Blackpool manager Ian Holloway had to have his say on the matter - "Yeah but, No but, Yeah but, No but, see roight it wer C'leens fault cos wot 'appened was she texted Maria wiv da news about wayne an stuff and Destiny told her she dint know nuffink about it, an SHATTUP WILL YA, I ain't never not never seen Wayne wiv no prossy but I 'eard rooney fingered Chantelle or summink an she's up the duff an it's all Lisa's fault coz she reckons Candice has got one tit bigger than the 'Uvver but I ain't not even not never spoken to C'leen fer ages so SHATTAP WILL YA!"

Make Not The Nine O'clock News's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.



Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.




Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 plus 3?

4 8 12 10
65 readers are online right now!

Go to top