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Sunday, 11 July 2010

image for World Cup Final - Goodbye Vuvuzelas, Farewell Africa
World Cup = Champions Of All This. All Of It. Not Just Some Of It.

Tonight sees the final confrontation in a largely uneventful World Cup 2010 in South Africa, as Spain and Holland duke it out for the right to hoist the fair trade trophy in Johannesburg, and the right to be 'World Champions' for the next four years.

But the tournament has not been met with universal approval.

"Worst World Cup I've ever seen," said Ivor Johnson of Pontypridd. "It's had a few moments, but overall, it's been very disappointing. I think the best bit of it was the psychic octopus. I'm glad I never shelled out good money to watch it live, in South Africa."

It appears that the main source of irritation and frustration among afficionados of the beautiful game has been the constant buzz of vuvuzela trumpets throughout matches, and incessant references to Afri-caaa - which despite all the publicity remains pretty low on the list of desirable relocation continents.

"It's been a bit shit really, to be honest," Jeremy Blowjob, of the Fans Confederation in the UK told us. "We got Afri-caaa-ed to death from day one, and the bastards followed it up with the vuvuzela trumpets. Ruined it for me, that did. I want to hear crowd reaction coming from my telly - not vuvuzelas and Mick fucking McCarthy's equally tedious gobshite, droning, bollocks commentry. Nah, they can all fucking do one as far as I'm concerned."

Strong words indeed. But there were even stronger words to follow. Jarbo the Killer, one of Manchester United's notorious Salford Red Army, told us:

"What I'd propose, right, is that any proper footy fan, who sees some dickhead blowing a bastard vuvuzela, then what they should do right - is stick it up the fucker's arse, and then kick it 'til it disappears completely. I don't care if it's OT or Anfield or Stamford Bridge - stick the fucking vuvuzelas where the sun don't shine. We don't want 'em. I got the idea from some fucker called Monkey Woods on the internet. Sound idea. I'm having it anyway."

In the World Cup Final, experts predict that Spain will nick it by the odd goal - providing Howard Webb clamps down on Arjen Robben's diving early doors.

Vuvuzela blowers have been warned to leave it, in the Premiership next season.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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