Written by Marvus
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Topics: London, University

Wednesday, 6 April 2005

image for Awkward Silence Follows Poorly Executed Trick-Shot
Sources Say this is neither Drubs nor somebody who looks like him

Clapham Pool Hall, London. Pool and snooker fans everywhere sat in shock, when an over confident university student failed to perform a trick shot he had so incessantly believed he could. The 20 to 30 second silence left a pronounced change in the atmosphere of the evening that experts believe ruined at least one person's evening.

It was in this void that witnesses began to feel uneasy and shift their positions uncomfortably. The majority of them tried to pretend they were somewhere else and avoided eye contact with those closest to the table in question, which for superstitious luck reasons cannot be named.

Particularly affected were those closest to the accused, one Alexander Drubbs. His best friends refused to comment on the situation; simply saying "we don't read your newspaper, we don't know you and even if we did we probably hate you." However, those who had pretended to like Drubbs were more than eager to give their opinions. "It was terrible," insists IT worker, Greg Normus, "He went for it, screwed up and we all stood there like a bunch of forest monkeys after a stun grenade."

Even after the vacuum, Drubbs, as a desperate measure, insisted that the shot's failure wasn't due to pilot error. Instead he claims that the disappointment was due entirely to circumstances not under his control. This includes a faulty cue, not enough chalk at the table, the hideous quality of the felt that lined the table, room temperature, and a complete change in the laws of physics.
Physics professor Bernadette Cummings disagrees "the laws of physics have not changed; gravity still works, grass still grows, waves still pound the beach and I'm still not sleeping with you."

It appears that there was a moment, when Drubbs leaned across the table to align the balls, which onlookers doubted his ability to pull off the task. Some put it down to his lack of ability in prior situations, most say Drubbs wasn't popular enough to be able to stand the pressure. All, however, agree that this was an all or nothing situation for him "You could feel it as he set up the table," comments one such on-looker "if he hit all those balls in, everybody would have been impressed and if he didn't, then he'd look like a twat"

This was correct. A billiards groupie, Michelle Turner, later said that whether or not she pulled Drubbs had depended on the shot. Even if he'd potted ‘one single ball' she claims, he'd have been successful enough to ‘score'. Consequently, Drubbs spent the night ‘alone' and in shame.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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