LeBron James, one of the most cowardly, selfish men who have played the game, has decided to get the f-k out of Dodge, announcing that he will be ball-hogging and running selfish picks-and-rolls as a member of the Miami Heat:
"This fall I am finally taking my talents to South Beach and play with the Miami Heat. The major factor was the desire to be far away from the glorified playground ballers in Cleveland, and be with the team that'll get me a ring. Winning is the most important thing for me, being paid a sh-tload of money is second-most. Ranked just below Sonic's tater-tots and proper fingernail maintenance is how important my hometown of Cleveland, and the Cavaliers fans, think of me."
James made this announcement at the end of what Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert called, "[a] several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his decision unlike anything ever witnessed in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment."
Analysts say that James' stint in Miami will " pad his bank account mightily, may result in a Championship or two, and will ultimately ruin his legacy when he invariably stays in the NBA three years longer than he should, so that the last view we have of him is as a man playing at 35% of his peak capability."
"Anyone remember Michael Jordan bending the rim with brick after brick?"
Finally, the analyst, who may or may not be Byron Scott, made this prediction: "And, at some point, Karma will exact its revenge."