Ending days of speculation, US beanpole basketball player LeBron James today signed a deal with Miami Heat. With a clause in his contract seconding him to Manchester City FC reserves.
City reserve team coach, Ken Dodd, told our man that James was a talented athlete with loads of tattoos and a big mouth, a typical American sportsman who can't really do much of anything apart from catch a ball once in a while before going for a rest for ten minutes, and eventually slam-dunking it into a hoop.
"Whoopy fucking doo," Dodd told us. "It must be a commercial venture by the owners. But it's a disaster for me, and the club. What am I supposed to do with an idiot who wants $20million over five years for doing little more than having tattoos and being able to jump a bit? I bet he couldn't put a header past David James. This is just a waste of my time. If he's worth $20million over 5 years, I'm a frigging Dutchman. I can't think of a useful way to use him, unless I send him down Canal Street on the batter. In drag."
LeBron James was apparently unfazed, stating that he was proud to be a Miami Heat player, whilst expressing incredulity that soccer players don't get the time to go for a rest.
This coming on the back of a global soccer fan revolt against American football, considered closet gay by most observers, due to a propensity for big lads on steroids hugging one another.
"Mind you," Ken Dodd added. "They like wrestling too. And that's a bit gay. It's not every sport where grown men end up almost sucking on each other's bollocks and think that's normal. I'll tell you what - it's a good job they reinvented Christianity, with polygamy and that, according to their own rules. Otherwise we'd all be fucked. I still don't know what I'm expected to do with this talentless piece of shit. I once worked with Ryan Giggs you know. What a fucking come down."
We tried to contact LeBron James for a comment, but he was too busy waxing his legs. Allegedly.
More as we get it.