One of the world's greatest mysteries has been unravelled and the reasons why the world's most fab footy stars did not appear at the World Cup has become clear:
They were all abducted by a low-flying, passing Alien UFO.
After stepping out for a quick nocturnal wee wee (not QUI QUI, aliens were not interested in arrogant, imbecilic French players) in their luxury hotels our superstars were all swept up into the UFO, analysed by slithery Green non-terrestials, had some of their grey matter removed (they obviously took to much from Rooney underestimating his pea-sized brain) for further research and returned them looking like Zombies from a different planet.
Messi and Co only remember a black-out from day one and cannot recollect a thing about their abduction.
The only proof of this startling happening are their unexplainable miserable performances, small scars on their necks and cold, starry looks in their eyes (especially when attempting 25 yard free kicks).
A Zulu medicine man did actually recollect a flashing light above the hotels and was convinced he saw an Iron Cross and Swastika painted on the side, sounds pretty suspicious?
We all know the Germans are perfectionists, but to go this far, WEEEEEEELL???