Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Sunday, 4 July 2010

image for Steven Gerrard Issues Full Statement
Steve Gerrard "I ****** the **** off ****** *******'s ********"

In a hastily convened press conference from Steven Gerrard's temporary home at a hotel in Southport, Steven Gerrard, England and Liverpool captain met with reporters and issued a formal statement in response to the flurry of internet rumours which have circulated over the last few days following England's exit from the World Cup.

Gerrard, flanked by hotel staff, had the following to say:

"I think it's about time that I came clean about the allegations that I ****** the **** off ****** *******'s ******** which resulted in her getting ********.

I'm ashmaed to say that the rumours you have heard are **** and that my **** (****) and I will be filing for *******.

As for the rumours that myself and John ***** had a ***** during the ***** *** due to myself being captain over **** ***** due to him no longer being ******* as a result of his own infidelity with the ex-girlfriend of ***** ******, then if asked whether this was true or false then I would have to say ****.

I'd like to ******** to my ****, my ***'*, my ******, the England and Liverpool **** and personally to ****** ******* who is the ****** of the young **** that I have been ****ing **** out of.

There have been rumours that I have had a ******* ***** in place against the media and I can confirm that this is also ****.

I will shortly be leaving ********* ******** **** after ** years here to make a dream move to **** ****** where I will be able to **** the **** off as many young ****'s as I damn well please. John ***** can **** my fucking ****.

I think this makes the situation completely clear and I will be making no further statement."

So that's that then. Steve Gerrard is a ***** ******* who has been ******* some young **** while his **** was at home looking after his young ********. I guess **** will be walking alone pretty soon then...

The reporter would like to confirm that there is no truth whatsoever to any of these rumours. Rumours about footballers are never ever true and should always be ignored. Footballers live impeccible and blameless lives and they are all a shining example to the rest of us who pay their well deserved wages.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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